So the big day is over…and to that I say ‘hurrah’!

For many, many years I haven’t been a fan of Christmas. The list of reasons are numerous from parental divorce, my divorces, children being away, being alone…being lonely.

Loneliness is a bastard!! That is my official opinion! And loneliness + heartbreak = misery. And that’s a truly horrible equation. Then there’s trying to figure out a new approach to get out of the crappy funk that comes with it.

All I’ve got heal with and through it, is child cuddles and puppy cuddles! And chocolate!

There is a pattern, though. And it’s time that pattern was gone; changed for a new better way.

I want more! I deserve more! In everything!

And that is going to be my medicine, my cure.

I’ve been silent for so long! Not like me at all…well, actually, I haven’t really been quiet, I just haven’t been writing.

I think I didn’t know what I wanted to say; not sure I do now! But I do have so much to say…so there may, or may not (!) be a deluge of posts going forward! But I am writing again…

Life is hard. So many things get thrown in our way; and we deal with it. What other choice is there?

Does that make it easier? No. It doesn’t. 

Coming back to me personally, I’m very hard on myself; always have been. It’s a pattern. And when things get tough, like right now, me being hard on me, becomes even harder. And ends up being taken out in everybody else. And that isn’t right; and is more fuel on the personal bonfire.

My heart is broken. I put it on the line, and I loved with every cell of my being. And now it’s over. It got broken, because he wasn’t well. And the illness I get. He was mentally unwell. What I don’t get is why I’m not worth it? Why, when times get tough, I am the one who is dismissed, like I am not worth the effort? Maybe he thought I wasn’t? I don’t know. But this time, it has slayed me. And I started to believe it. And I’m still in it. I’m still there, questioning my ‘value’, because I don’t feel it. I don’t feel my value right now.

But I know, one day soon, I will. And right now, I’m hard to live with. I eat crap, and have a drink if I feel like it. But I’ll reach a point, and it will stop, and I’ll start running again, and get back on my mat. 

I’m not there yet…but I will be

I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with.Tell me why you loved them,

then tell me why they loved you.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through.

Tell me what the word home means to you

and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mother’s name

just by the way you describe your bedroom

when you were eight.
See, I want to know the first time you felt the weight of hate,

and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain

or bounce in the bellies of snow?

And if you were to build a snowman,

would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms

or would leave your snowman armless

for the sake of being harmless to the tree?

And if you would,

would you notice how that tree weeps for you

because your snowman has no arms to hug you

every time you kiss him on the cheek?
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek?

Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad

even if it makes your lover mad?

Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion

or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name,

and if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother’s joy

when she spoke it for the very first time.
I want you to tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind.

Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel.
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god

or if you believe in many gods

or better yet

what gods believe in you.

And for all the times that you’ve knelt before the temple of yourself,

have the prayers you asked come true?

And if they didn’t, did you feel denied?

And if you felt denied,

denied by who?
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror

on a day you’re feeling good.

I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror

on a day you’re feeling bad.

I wanna know the first person who taught you your beauty

could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.
If you ever reach enlightenment

will you remember how to laugh?
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living.

I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving,

and if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes.

I wanna know if you bleed sometimes

from other people’s wounds.
~ Andrea Gibson

Unlike a man, woman aren’t turned off & on like a switch. A woman’s desire builds over time and is connected to trust. Women actually possess the ability for infinite sexual desire – for the right man. The key to opening a woman’s unbridled and uninhibited sexuality comes from a man’s desire to truly ‘know’ her, not simply to penetrate her. The man who can turn a woman on at will has taken his time to know her and approaches his woman with delicious desire and the confidence of already knowing she wants. Most men make meager requests or insistent demands out of needs for their own sexual gratification and have yet to open a woman this way. When a man chooses to ‘know’ a woman rather than simply penetrate her, his capacity to sensually connect evolves beyond ‘one and then done’. In fact, ‘multiples’ are not a phenomena exclusive to women. Seek to know her. Once she completely trusts you she’ll want to be utterly consumed by you. This energy generates a spiritual Viagra and an unlimited ability for you to remain connected and fulfill her as well. A woman’s desire becomes infinite once a man never stops seeking to know the depths of her soul. A man’s performance becomes limitless once she’s been opened so completely.

 ~Graham R White