When it goes wrong…

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Life is hard. So many things get thrown in our way; and we deal with it. What other choice is there?

Does that make it easier? No. It doesn’t. 

Coming back to me personally, I’m very hard on myself; always have been. It’s a pattern. And when things get tough, like right now, me being hard on me, becomes even harder. And ends up being taken out in everybody else. And that isn’t right; and is more fuel on the personal bonfire.

My heart is broken. I put it on the line, and I loved with every cell of my being. And now it’s over. It got broken, because he wasn’t well. And the illness I get. He was mentally unwell. What I don’t get is why I’m not worth it? Why, when times get tough, I am the one who is dismissed, like I am not worth the effort? Maybe he thought I wasn’t? I don’t know. But this time, it has slayed me. And I started to believe it. And I’m still in it. I’m still there, questioning my ‘value’, because I don’t feel it. I don’t feel my value right now.

But I know, one day soon, I will. And right now, I’m hard to live with. I eat crap, and have a drink if I feel like it. But I’ll reach a point, and it will stop, and I’ll start running again, and get back on my mat. 

I’m not there yet…but I will be

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How I want to love….

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I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with.Tell me why you loved them,

then tell me why they loved you.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through.

Tell me what the word home means to you

and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mother’s name

just by the way you describe your bedroom

when you were eight.
See, I want to know the first time you felt the weight of hate,

and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain

or bounce in the bellies of snow?

And if you were to build a snowman,

would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms

or would leave your snowman armless

for the sake of being harmless to the tree?

And if you would,

would you notice how that tree weeps for you

because your snowman has no arms to hug you

every time you kiss him on the cheek?
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek?

Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad

even if it makes your lover mad?

Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion

or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name,

and if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother’s joy

when she spoke it for the very first time.
I want you to tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind.

Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel.
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god

or if you believe in many gods

or better yet

what gods believe in you.

And for all the times that you’ve knelt before the temple of yourself,

have the prayers you asked come true?

And if they didn’t, did you feel denied?

And if you felt denied,

denied by who?
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror

on a day you’re feeling good.

I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror

on a day you’re feeling bad.

I wanna know the first person who taught you your beauty

could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.
If you ever reach enlightenment

will you remember how to laugh?
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living.

I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving,

and if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes.

I wanna know if you bleed sometimes

from other people’s wounds.
~ Andrea Gibson

Can men and women be friends?

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Can men and women be friends?


When I was a little girl, making friends was easy. It didn’t matter if the friend was a boy or a girl; we were just friends.

And then puberty, and hormones, and basically, sex got in the way!

There has been much written on this topic over the years. As stated my Brett and Kate McKay on their blog artofmanliness.com, ‘you’d have thought When Harry Met Sally would have answered this question’!! But apparently not. They go on to quote a study completed at Wisconsin University, where 88 friendship couples were brought in and asked questions regarding their friendships, with the proviso that the research would never be discussed between the friends in the future. The outcome was, that whilst the female in the friendship saw it as purely platonic and there was no attraction, the same couldn’t be said for the men. Plus, that the men secretly believed their opposite number felt the same! The study concluded that the friendship was possible if guys remained under this illusion!

Now, this was only 88 friendships, though it seems to be a decent cross section?! 

Making friends in general is so much harder when we get older, but making friends with the opposite sex feels like a mine field…’if I talk to them, with they think I’m interested in them?’, ‘if I ask them for coffee, will they think I want more?’, ‘what if I don’t want more now, but change my mind in the future?’!

I have always been very up front about my feelings on most subjects and am not backwards in coming forwards (I know you’re shocked at this revelation 😆), so why can’t we chuck out all rules? Why can’t we just be friends, pure and simple, and not worry about the connotations? And, if one or the other feels differently, why can’t we say ‘you know what, I think I quite fancy you’? And the other, even if they are not interested, take it as a compliment, and move on?

Isn’t life complicated enough with actual romantic relationships without having to worry about this stuff in friendships too?

I have come to realise that I really don’t have male friends! My friends are women, by enlarge. This isn’t a bad thing, not at all, but part of me feels like I’m missing out on the other sides perspective on life! I have recently found a new male friend (and by friend, I mean friend and no funny business!) and it’s nice to talk to him and message him. But I still have that nagging feeling of ‘this is just friends, right?’!! And why doesn’t that shut the f*#€ up?!! It’s not helpful! I actually want to be friends with this man, and no more. I can’t predict the future, and I can’t speak for him, but I like my new friendship, so poo to the naysayers and the doubters! I will continue my friendship…having said that, I have concluded that I do actually only know how to be friends with women, so he might have a little adjusting to do…😳 I should point out, I absolutely believe men and women can be friends, and just friends, though less so if there is ‘history’!

Having said that, I would be very interested to hear what other people think on this…so feel free to comment 😊

WHEN A MAN CHOOSES TO KNOW A WOMAN

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Unlike a man, woman aren’t turned off & on like a switch. A woman’s desire builds over time and is connected to trust. Women actually possess the ability for infinite sexual desire – for the right man. The key to opening a woman’s unbridled and uninhibited sexuality comes from a man’s desire to truly ‘know’ her, not simply to penetrate her. The man who can turn a woman on at will has taken his time to know her and approaches his woman with delicious desire and the confidence of already knowing she wants. Most men make meager requests or insistent demands out of needs for their own sexual gratification and have yet to open a woman this way. When a man chooses to ‘know’ a woman rather than simply penetrate her, his capacity to sensually connect evolves beyond ‘one and then done’. In fact, ‘multiples’ are not a phenomena exclusive to women. Seek to know her. Once she completely trusts you she’ll want to be utterly consumed by you. This energy generates a spiritual Viagra and an unlimited ability for you to remain connected and fulfill her as well. A woman’s desire becomes infinite once a man never stops seeking to know the depths of her soul. A man’s performance becomes limitless once she’s been opened so completely.

 ~Graham R White

Life is Full of Hope…

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Life is Full of Hope…

…and we have to remember that.

These times are so full of despair and negativity; the media brain washes us into a constant state of fear, but its a choice…and I choose hope.

I would love to be able to change the world; to change the extreme views of people who appear to have gotten those places again through fear. Fear fuels hate; and I refute hate, in all areas of my life. I don’t even allow my children to use the word.

But, I am realistic enough to realise that I cannot change the whole world alone; so I choose to change my world to a world that makes me happy, from the inside out, in the hope that my positivity will be passed on from person to person, starting with my children. My life is in no way perfect, and to be honest, I’m not even sure what that looks like, but I know what makes me happy and I know what makes me feel bad; I CHOOSE to stay away from all that makes me feel bad.

And, I focus on the things that make me feel good:

  • My children and being with them and listening to them laugh, and seeing the wonder on their innocent faces when we share experiences together; the love they give and cuddles we share and their stories about their own lives; these things fill me with joy;
  • My friends, who have been there through good times and bad, as I have for them, and who know me inside and out, even in my crazy days!;
  • For being able to provide all the basic comforts and needs to me and mine, in the knowledge that so many others have not even these things, and I’m so grateful to be so lucky to live this life;
  • Having hope that one day I will meet someone, and fall madly in love, in a way that allows my soul to rejoice and sing, and know that I am safe in that space with them, because they feel the same way about me.

On the last point, I read a poem this morning on elephantjournal.com that I just had to share with you. It could be applicable to any romantic relationship, but the hope within in it, and the feelings it elicited in me, meant that I couldn’t ignore it, so here it is:

By Sarah Harvey

There is nothing sexier than a man
Who knows how to traverse the juicy pathways of his own heart
A man who can stand to be called out on his sh*t
A man who, when you boldly ask him to be there,
Says yes—hell yes
And shows up beautifully,
With every ounce of his beating heart.

There is nothing more beautiful than a man
Who talks openly and passionately about what’s on his mind
Rather than pulling far away and glossing it over
With a bullish*t generic response of
“I’m fine.”

There is nothing more breathtaking in the world than a man
Who knows the salty taste of tears
A man who lets you see him on his worst days
Stripped
Sad
And raw—
Vulnerability hanging out of his split-open heart like ripped ribbons.

There is nothing more bone-suckin’ delicious than a man
Who knows how to take care of a woman,
How to touch her softly and fiercely at the same time
How to f*ck her wildly while gazing gently into the sapphire depths of her soul
How to set her free while claiming her
And make her feel like a cherished jewel of divinity,
Like the goddess she is.

There is absolutely nothing more astounding than a man
Who kisses like he could die five minutes from now
A man who understands the gem preciousness of this breath
This inhale…and exhale…
A man who wants nothing more
Than to face the world together
As you both smile,
Breathe
Set the air around you on delicate fire
Transcend bullsh*t
And ascend towards nectar galaxies far too beautiful to comprehend.

There is nothing more maddeningly magnificent than a man
Who pulls you close and declares his love for you
And shouts it from the rooftops like music
And weaves his fingers through yours with ripe enthusiasm
And isn’t scared to call you too soon
And call you out on your sh*t
And call you
The luscious love of
His life.

There is nothing more goddamn gorgeous than a man
Who is fiercely himself
Who holds the strongest heart space
In his warm, sultry embrace
For you to bloom
Blossom
Flourish
And soar
As he does the same.

At the end of every dissolving sands, apricot sunset-soaked day—there is nothing sexier than a man
Who knows how to love himself.
A man who values the truth running through his veins like sacred ink.
A man brave enough to be there for you—and himself—when sh*t is beautiful and when it’s completely falling apart.
This is the kind of man you deserve.
A man who isn’t afraid of emotion.
A man who shows up one hundred percent.
A man who is ready—who craves—every drop, drip and ounce of an authentic, earthy goddess of a wonderful woman like you.

Let him kiss you with his entire being until you remember who you really are.
Don’t settle down with him—
Settle up
Into a more luscious, technicolor life
A life so beautiful it hurts sometimes.
A life so fulfilling you’ll never be thirsty again.
A life so freeing and spun of soul it makes you dizzy.
Anything less than this
Heartfelt, present, purely sacred beauty
Is a goddamn
Tragedy.
Don’t settle
Down—
Settle up.
‘Cause when the divine masculine meets the divine feminine, magic happens.
The sweetest magic of all.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/06/this-is-the-kind-of-man-you-deserve-poem/

Amen……

Life hurts…

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Life hurts…

I can feel so much. Feel everything. Whirling around inside of me and I don’t even know what it is I can feel. Fear, insecurity, being on the edge of something, healing, moving on, letting go…perhaps its all of those and everything at the same time.

Over the past 15 years, maybe a little more, so much has happened in my life…massive love, found and then lost; near suicide; vulnerability and pain; pregnancy; abortion; rape; babies; marriage; divorce; abandonment; losing family…but most of all through all of this, after losing myself for so many years, doing the work, and finding myself again. Or at least getting on the path to getting there and finally figuring out who am, what is important, and where my place in the world is.

I can’t decide if this writing is self-indulgent, but you know what, if it is, who cares?! Who am I hurting? No one. And for me, that has become the key. Hurt no one, especially yourself. Listen to yourself. Listen. And that is the greatest gift anyone can give to anyone else…to listen. To be present for that person, in that moment.

The world has become a pretty crappy place to live, and it would be so easy to get depressed, and give up. God knows, we have all felt that way at times; I know I have. But I have come to realise that obsessing about what is happening in the world doesn’t change what is happening in the world! All I can do is my bit. All I can do is make my life the best it can be. Do the work. Figure my shit out. And yeah, that hurts. It hurts like hell. But so what?! Isn’t that better than feeling nothing? Isn’t that better than not wanting to heal? Isn’t that better than sitting in the shit and doing nothing about it? Lotus flowers grow out of the shit…quite literally.

And that’s what I’m doing. That’s all any of us can do. The only way to open our eyes is to first look within. Find out what makes us who we are. Find out what makes us tick. And when you’ve found it, run with it. Because that is your purpose, your reason for being. And along the way, there’s nothing wrong with stumbling, or making a mess. We are human. Humans are here to make a mess!

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The Tubby Boy with Wings…

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The Tubby Boy with Wings…

It’s that time of year where the commercial world tells us once again that it’s time to show our beloved that they mean something to us, by prescription, because we have to be told, apparently! And also, to remind those without a significant someone that they are single, and that they should have a problem with that!!!!!

Why is Valentine’s Day such a big deal? Don’t get me wrong, everyone wants to be loved and to have that love shown, but why in the hell do we need to be told, or reminded, that we need to do that?!!

And why does it matter so much to so many if they are single on Valentine’s Day?

It’s just another day, the same as any other. In my opinion, we should all tell the person we are in love with how we feel, and show how we feel, without the need for a once yearly reminder. Anne Frank pointed out that people receive more flowers after they are dead than when they are alive….why does Valentine’s Day have to be the only day of the year we try to rectify this?

And then, I disappeared….

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And then, I disappeared….

Over time we change. They say a leopard doesn’t change its spots, but my spots have certainly changed, in good and bad ways.

I’ve grown, and am still growing. Though there are things that come up in life that make you shrink, also, and affect who you are even as the growth occurs. Hard things, that at the time seem like the worst thing in the world. But actually, move you forward…the end of a job; the end of a relationship…

The pain in itself helps you move forward and grow, and become a better version of who you were. And then, maybe next time, you can do it better, from the insight that the difficult times brought you.

I’m growing and moving forward. And as I do this, everything is changing, and it’s hard, but it’s how it should be, and for that I am grateful 😊

The Journey Never Ends…

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The Journey Never Ends…

The twists and turns of life can be surprising. As I get older, I wonder if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing?!!

I’m on a journey. A spiritual journey, and once you get on that train, you can’t get off! Believe me, I’ve tried!

Learning to embrace this ‘trip’ is something that takes a little time, stepping away from fear, and deciding to grow and move forward. Soooo, easy to say, not easy to do.

From my own experience, and from the experience of others I have spoken to, its a trip of major ups and downs. And, when you reach the point growth that you truly start to accept yourself, that’s when everything you ever knew, that wasn’t really who your authentic self relates to, it all falls away. And when it happens, its liberating and terrifying, in equal measure.

But, once you learn to embrace the change, and deal with the emotion that has come with it, its amazing and exciting. The freedom I now feel is something I have never had before.

Upbringing has a lot to do with the fear. The way we are raised and the culture around us is, in the main, responsible for our morality and the expectations we place upon ourselves. That is just the pressure we put on ourselves, not mentioning that put on us by others.

Learning to let it all go, and choose our own lives is hard….but so worth it 🙂

You can’t choose them…

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You can’t choose them…

Relationships are hard. All relationships. But the majority of the relationships we have in our lives are with those we choose ourselves; our friends, our lovers, even our colleagues. We have a say in who they are. But family? Well, they are set out before we are born in form of our parents, and the blood lines from each side that come from these genetic attachments.

In the book Light is the New Black, the author, Rebecca Campbell participates in a past life regression, which includes travelling back to the moment where she was given the opportunity to travel back to the point where she was given the choice, before her own conception, to choose her own parents. This choice was made by her soul, her spirit, and she chose the parents who would give her soul the greatest growth and learning opportunity in this life. And from this regression, she has come to realise that the choice her soul made was for her greatest good and to benefit her, to allow her to achieve what she was sent here to grow into in this lifetime.

Now, whether you believe in regression, or agree with Rebecca’s belief is irrelevant. The point is, the choice is made before we arrive on this plane. And that in itself can be one of the hardest things.

I agree with Rebecca’s belief. Trying to understand what my soul is here to learn from the relationships with my family has become one of my greatest challenges, and one of the most painful. Those who know me well will know that I have never had the easiest relationship with any of my family members, and the emotional suffering that this has caused for me, has been extremely deep, and has not only effected me emotionally, but physically and spiritually.

What I have come to realise, very recently, is that not just with family but also with others, what people think of me isn’t my business. What I think of me is the only thing that matters, and learning to fill the hole we all feel within ourselves with our own truth and the love we have within us that we send out for everyone else, instead of for us and within us, is what is needed.

We are never alone if we can learn to love ourselves.

And thats not easy. Its a process. But I’m on the path…come and join me. Learn to love you….. 🙂

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