Monthly Archives: January 2017

When it goes wrong…


Life is hard. So many things get thrown in our way; and we deal with it. What other choice is there?

Does that make it easier? No. It doesn’t. 

Coming back to me personally, I’m very hard on myself; always have been. It’s a pattern. And when things get tough, like right now, me being hard on me, becomes even harder. And ends up being taken out in everybody else. And that isn’t right; and is more fuel on the personal bonfire.

My heart is broken. I put it on the line, and I loved with every cell of my being. And now it’s over. It got broken, because he wasn’t well. And the illness I get. He was mentally unwell. What I don’t get is why I’m not worth it? Why, when times get tough, I am the one who is dismissed, like I am not worth the effort? Maybe he thought I wasn’t? I don’t know. But this time, it has slayed me. And I started to believe it. And I’m still in it. I’m still there, questioning my ‘value’, because I don’t feel it. I don’t feel my value right now.

But I know, one day soon, I will. And right now, I’m hard to live with. I eat crap, and have a drink if I feel like it. But I’ll reach a point, and it will stop, and I’ll start running again, and get back on my mat. 

I’m not there yet…but I will be


How I want to love….


I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with.Tell me why you loved them,

then tell me why they loved you.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through.

Tell me what the word home means to you

and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mother’s name

just by the way you describe your bedroom

when you were eight.
See, I want to know the first time you felt the weight of hate,

and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain

or bounce in the bellies of snow?

And if you were to build a snowman,

would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms

or would leave your snowman armless

for the sake of being harmless to the tree?

And if you would,

would you notice how that tree weeps for you

because your snowman has no arms to hug you

every time you kiss him on the cheek?
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek?

Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad

even if it makes your lover mad?

Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion

or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name,

and if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother’s joy

when she spoke it for the very first time.
I want you to tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind.

Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel.
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god

or if you believe in many gods

or better yet

what gods believe in you.

And for all the times that you’ve knelt before the temple of yourself,

have the prayers you asked come true?

And if they didn’t, did you feel denied?

And if you felt denied,

denied by who?
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror

on a day you’re feeling good.

I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror

on a day you’re feeling bad.

I wanna know the first person who taught you your beauty

could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.
If you ever reach enlightenment

will you remember how to laugh?
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living.

I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving,

and if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes.

I wanna know if you bleed sometimes

from other people’s wounds.
~ Andrea Gibson

Can men and women be friends?

Can men and women be friends?

When I was a little girl, making friends was easy. It didn’t matter if the friend was a boy or a girl; we were just friends.

And then puberty, and hormones, and basically, sex got in the way!

There has been much written on this topic over the years. As stated my Brett and Kate McKay on their blog, ‘you’d have thought When Harry Met Sally would have answered this question’!! But apparently not. They go on to quote a study completed at Wisconsin University, where 88 friendship couples were brought in and asked questions regarding their friendships, with the proviso that the research would never be discussed between the friends in the future. The outcome was, that whilst the female in the friendship saw it as purely platonic and there was no attraction, the same couldn’t be said for the men. Plus, that the men secretly believed their opposite number felt the same! The study concluded that the friendship was possible if guys remained under this illusion!

Now, this was only 88 friendships, though it seems to be a decent cross section?! 

Making friends in general is so much harder when we get older, but making friends with the opposite sex feels like a mine field…’if I talk to them, with they think I’m interested in them?’, ‘if I ask them for coffee, will they think I want more?’, ‘what if I don’t want more now, but change my mind in the future?’!

I have always been very up front about my feelings on most subjects and am not backwards in coming forwards (I know you’re shocked at this revelation 😆), so why can’t we chuck out all rules? Why can’t we just be friends, pure and simple, and not worry about the connotations? And, if one or the other feels differently, why can’t we say ‘you know what, I think I quite fancy you’? And the other, even if they are not interested, take it as a compliment, and move on?

Isn’t life complicated enough with actual romantic relationships without having to worry about this stuff in friendships too?

I have come to realise that I really don’t have male friends! My friends are women, by enlarge. This isn’t a bad thing, not at all, but part of me feels like I’m missing out on the other sides perspective on life! I have recently found a new male friend (and by friend, I mean friend and no funny business!) and it’s nice to talk to him and message him. But I still have that nagging feeling of ‘this is just friends, right?’!! And why doesn’t that shut the f*#€ up?!! It’s not helpful! I actually want to be friends with this man, and no more. I can’t predict the future, and I can’t speak for him, but I like my new friendship, so poo to the naysayers and the doubters! I will continue my friendship…having said that, I have concluded that I do actually only know how to be friends with women, so he might have a little adjusting to do…😳 I should point out, I absolutely believe men and women can be friends, and just friends, though less so if there is ‘history’!

Having said that, I would be very interested to hear what other people think on this…so feel free to comment 😊