Category Archives: Relationships



I don’t want to talk to you.

More than anything I don’t want to talk to you.

But more than anything, all I want is to talk to you…

I know you understand.

Or maybe, in my head you understand, and that’s how I want it to be. How I wanted it to be. And maybe it never was that way? Why don’t I know the answer to that?

I don’t understand how I feel.

Is this how grief feels?

There’s an anxiety that won’t leave me alone. It sits in my chest, makes me eat rubbish and fills me with self-loathing.

I don’t know how to be kind to myself. Is that something that can be learnt?

I don’t know how to be in this place. This place that feels like madness, and consistently kicks and screams it’s way out of me, through tears, angst, eating, shouting…none of which helps.

So, tell me, what do I do?


Can men and women be friends?

Can men and women be friends?

When I was a little girl, making friends was easy. It didn’t matter if the friend was a boy or a girl; we were just friends.

And then puberty, and hormones, and basically, sex got in the way!

There has been much written on this topic over the years. As stated my Brett and Kate McKay on their blog, ‘you’d have thought When Harry Met Sally would have answered this question’!! But apparently not. They go on to quote a study completed at Wisconsin University, where 88 friendship couples were brought in and asked questions regarding their friendships, with the proviso that the research would never be discussed between the friends in the future. The outcome was, that whilst the female in the friendship saw it as purely platonic and there was no attraction, the same couldn’t be said for the men. Plus, that the men secretly believed their opposite number felt the same! The study concluded that the friendship was possible if guys remained under this illusion!

Now, this was only 88 friendships, though it seems to be a decent cross section?! 

Making friends in general is so much harder when we get older, but making friends with the opposite sex feels like a mine field…’if I talk to them, with they think I’m interested in them?’, ‘if I ask them for coffee, will they think I want more?’, ‘what if I don’t want more now, but change my mind in the future?’!

I have always been very up front about my feelings on most subjects and am not backwards in coming forwards (I know you’re shocked at this revelation 😆), so why can’t we chuck out all rules? Why can’t we just be friends, pure and simple, and not worry about the connotations? And, if one or the other feels differently, why can’t we say ‘you know what, I think I quite fancy you’? And the other, even if they are not interested, take it as a compliment, and move on?

Isn’t life complicated enough with actual romantic relationships without having to worry about this stuff in friendships too?

I have come to realise that I really don’t have male friends! My friends are women, by enlarge. This isn’t a bad thing, not at all, but part of me feels like I’m missing out on the other sides perspective on life! I have recently found a new male friend (and by friend, I mean friend and no funny business!) and it’s nice to talk to him and message him. But I still have that nagging feeling of ‘this is just friends, right?’!! And why doesn’t that shut the f*#€ up?!! It’s not helpful! I actually want to be friends with this man, and no more. I can’t predict the future, and I can’t speak for him, but I like my new friendship, so poo to the naysayers and the doubters! I will continue my friendship…having said that, I have concluded that I do actually only know how to be friends with women, so he might have a little adjusting to do…😳 I should point out, I absolutely believe men and women can be friends, and just friends, though less so if there is ‘history’!

Having said that, I would be very interested to hear what other people think on this…so feel free to comment 😊

The Tubby Boy with Wings…

The Tubby Boy with Wings…

It’s that time of year where the commercial world tells us once again that it’s time to show our beloved that they mean something to us, by prescription, because we have to be told, apparently! And also, to remind those without a significant someone that they are single, and that they should have a problem with that!!!!!

Why is Valentine’s Day such a big deal? Don’t get me wrong, everyone wants to be loved and to have that love shown, but why in the hell do we need to be told, or reminded, that we need to do that?!!

And why does it matter so much to so many if they are single on Valentine’s Day?

It’s just another day, the same as any other. In my opinion, we should all tell the person we are in love with how we feel, and show how we feel, without the need for a once yearly reminder. Anne Frank pointed out that people receive more flowers after they are dead than when they are alive….why does Valentine’s Day have to be the only day of the year we try to rectify this?

And then, I disappeared….

And then, I disappeared….

Over time we change. They say a leopard doesn’t change its spots, but my spots have certainly changed, in good and bad ways.

I’ve grown, and am still growing. Though there are things that come up in life that make you shrink, also, and affect who you are even as the growth occurs. Hard things, that at the time seem like the worst thing in the world. But actually, move you forward…the end of a job; the end of a relationship…

The pain in itself helps you move forward and grow, and become a better version of who you were. And then, maybe next time, you can do it better, from the insight that the difficult times brought you.

I’m growing and moving forward. And as I do this, everything is changing, and it’s hard, but it’s how it should be, and for that I am grateful 😊

You can’t choose them…

You can’t choose them…

Relationships are hard. All relationships. But the majority of the relationships we have in our lives are with those we choose ourselves; our friends, our lovers, even our colleagues. We have a say in who they are. But family? Well, they are set out before we are born in form of our parents, and the blood lines from each side that come from these genetic attachments.

In the book Light is the New Black, the author, Rebecca Campbell participates in a past life regression, which includes travelling back to the moment where she was given the opportunity to travel back to the point where she was given the choice, before her own conception, to choose her own parents. This choice was made by her soul, her spirit, and she chose the parents who would give her soul the greatest growth and learning opportunity in this life. And from this regression, she has come to realise that the choice her soul made was for her greatest good and to benefit her, to allow her to achieve what she was sent here to grow into in this lifetime.

Now, whether you believe in regression, or agree with Rebecca’s belief is irrelevant. The point is, the choice is made before we arrive on this plane. And that in itself can be one of the hardest things.

I agree with Rebecca’s belief. Trying to understand what my soul is here to learn from the relationships with my family has become one of my greatest challenges, and one of the most painful. Those who know me well will know that I have never had the easiest relationship with any of my family members, and the emotional suffering that this has caused for me, has been extremely deep, and has not only effected me emotionally, but physically and spiritually.

What I have come to realise, very recently, is that not just with family but also with others, what people think of me isn’t my business. What I think of me is the only thing that matters, and learning to fill the hole we all feel within ourselves with our own truth and the love we have within us that we send out for everyone else, instead of for us and within us, is what is needed.

We are never alone if we can learn to love ourselves.

And thats not easy. Its a process. But I’m on the path…come and join me. Learn to love you….. 🙂


Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

So, its been a long time since I had anything to say!! Which isn’t actually factual, as my friends would attest to, I’m sure! Its just that its been a while since I had anything to share with whomever reads this.

Life got in the way. And, thats not always a bad thing. In the last week, I returned from a trip to Costa Rica. An incredible trip, not just because of the country and its beauty, but because of the people I shared this experience with.

None of these persons were known to me before I went, we were, in the main, total strangers to each other. We spent 16 days travelling the length and breadth of this beautiful land, and in spending 24 hours a day together, got to know each other very fast, inside and out. We learned to love, and hate, each other. It was incredible.

But that was not the only thing that this trip brought me. It also gave me an awareness of myself that I previously did not have. I discovered I have an incredible ability not to feel. What I mean by that is, I can put everything that is in my life at home in a box, and hardly think about it, let alone miss it! I didn’t know this until I went away this time. I lived in the moment, every moment to its fullest. And its certainly not to say that I didn’t think of my children or my boyfriend, I did….but not in the way you would expect. I just switched it all off, like rebooting a computer!

Until, it caught up with me. About a week and a half into my trip, my emotions could no longer handle it, and I exploded! I sobbed. And it was so difficult to explain to anyone I was with what was wrong with me, because I really didn’t know. I just felt confused and hurt and sad, and I really didn’t know why. In the process of all this, I hurt my boyfriend by being cold, and seemed to have transferred some of what I should have been feeling for those left behind onto people who were there with me.

This can’t be normal, right?! Well, it seems I am not the only one to react like this. Having spoken to friends, one of my closest friends completely understood what I was explaining, and said that she reacted the same way when she travelled, stating that sometimes she hardly thought of home at all… which I totally identify with.

Does this make me a bad mother? A bad girlfriend? Maybe. Or is it just a coping strategy for my brain to shut down and switch off (the reason for the trip in the first place), and allow me the space I needed to remember who I am, and actually how much fun I can have, as well as how much fun I can be?

I no longer feel bad. I actually quite like this part of me! Everything is better, I know me more than I did, and my loved ones still welcomed me home with open arms.

I’m a very lucky girl. And to those who identify with this, don’t feel bad, it doesn’t make you a bad person. And, the others who think I am awful for admitting to these feelings, we are all different, and this is me. If I can deal with it, thats all that matters to me 🙂


Falling in the Fall…Learning to Let It Go…

Falling in the Fall…Learning to Let It Go…

It’s Autumn, and I love it. Love. That’s a hard word to come to terms with. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

Why do we all struggle so much with the concept of ‘love’? Learning to love; allowing ourselves to love; letting others know we love them? That last one, I believe, is the hardest one. Letting another know you are falling in love with them. Allowing yourself to feel the vulnerability of it, without knowing whether they feel the same way about you.


The quote above sums it up perfectly. How do you know without the traffic lights?!!

At some point, we have to learn to let go, be vulnerable, embrace the fear, and just go with it.

And that’s where I am. I’m making myself vulnerable, which in itself makes me incredibly uncomfortable! Constantly asking myself if its too soon to be feeling these feelings? Does the person I have these feelings for feel the same way about me? What if he doesn’t, and I’m out here on my own? What then?

The ‘fear’ is what stops us. The fear is what stops us doing everything, and that’s why we need to tell the ‘fear’ to f*#k off, leave us alone, and let the bravery of vulnerability in. Let the joy in. Take a risk with your heart, and go for it.

What if he does feel the same way, and he’s scared too? Maybe he’s waiting for me? Maybe?

The full moon is today, and its an Aries blood moon. So powerful. Its a time of transformation in our relationships. A time of powerful feelings, where everything is exaggerated. Maybe its the ideal time to take the risk? Is it?!!!

And the doubt creeps back in, backed up by the fear!!! Damn you fear, damn you from the deepest part of my heart that wants to embrace the love!!