Category Archives: Uncategorized

Is it over yet? Is it just me?


So the big day is over…and to that I say ‘hurrah’!

For many, many years I haven’t been a fan of Christmas. The list of reasons are numerous from parental divorce, my divorces, children being away, being alone…being lonely.

Loneliness is a bastard!! That is my official opinion! And loneliness + heartbreak = misery. And that’s a truly horrible equation. Then there’s trying to figure out a new approach to get out of the crappy funk that comes with it.

All I’ve got heal with and through it, is child cuddles and puppy cuddles! And chocolate!

There is a pattern, though. And it’s time that pattern was gone; changed for a new better way.

I want more! I deserve more! In everything!

And that is going to be my medicine, my cure.


Long overdue…


I’ve been silent for so long! Not like me at all…well, actually, I haven’t really been quiet, I just haven’t been writing.

I think I didn’t know what I wanted to say; not sure I do now! But I do have so much to say…so there may, or may not (!) be a deluge of posts going forward! But I am writing again…

When it goes wrong…


Life is hard. So many things get thrown in our way; and we deal with it. What other choice is there?

Does that make it easier? No. It doesn’t. 

Coming back to me personally, I’m very hard on myself; always have been. It’s a pattern. And when things get tough, like right now, me being hard on me, becomes even harder. And ends up being taken out in everybody else. And that isn’t right; and is more fuel on the personal bonfire.

My heart is broken. I put it on the line, and I loved with every cell of my being. And now it’s over. It got broken, because he wasn’t well. And the illness I get. He was mentally unwell. What I don’t get is why I’m not worth it? Why, when times get tough, I am the one who is dismissed, like I am not worth the effort? Maybe he thought I wasn’t? I don’t know. But this time, it has slayed me. And I started to believe it. And I’m still in it. I’m still there, questioning my ‘value’, because I don’t feel it. I don’t feel my value right now.

But I know, one day soon, I will. And right now, I’m hard to live with. I eat crap, and have a drink if I feel like it. But I’ll reach a point, and it will stop, and I’ll start running again, and get back on my mat. 

I’m not there yet…but I will be

How I want to love….


I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with.Tell me why you loved them,

then tell me why they loved you.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through.

Tell me what the word home means to you

and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mother’s name

just by the way you describe your bedroom

when you were eight.
See, I want to know the first time you felt the weight of hate,

and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain

or bounce in the bellies of snow?

And if you were to build a snowman,

would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms

or would leave your snowman armless

for the sake of being harmless to the tree?

And if you would,

would you notice how that tree weeps for you

because your snowman has no arms to hug you

every time you kiss him on the cheek?
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek?

Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad

even if it makes your lover mad?

Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion

or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name,

and if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother’s joy

when she spoke it for the very first time.
I want you to tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind.

Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel.
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god

or if you believe in many gods

or better yet

what gods believe in you.

And for all the times that you’ve knelt before the temple of yourself,

have the prayers you asked come true?

And if they didn’t, did you feel denied?

And if you felt denied,

denied by who?
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror

on a day you’re feeling good.

I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror

on a day you’re feeling bad.

I wanna know the first person who taught you your beauty

could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.
If you ever reach enlightenment

will you remember how to laugh?
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living.

I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving,

and if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes.

I wanna know if you bleed sometimes

from other people’s wounds.
~ Andrea Gibson



Unlike a man, woman aren’t turned off & on like a switch. A woman’s desire builds over time and is connected to trust. Women actually possess the ability for infinite sexual desire – for the right man. The key to opening a woman’s unbridled and uninhibited sexuality comes from a man’s desire to truly ‘know’ her, not simply to penetrate her. The man who can turn a woman on at will has taken his time to know her and approaches his woman with delicious desire and the confidence of already knowing she wants. Most men make meager requests or insistent demands out of needs for their own sexual gratification and have yet to open a woman this way. When a man chooses to ‘know’ a woman rather than simply penetrate her, his capacity to sensually connect evolves beyond ‘one and then done’. In fact, ‘multiples’ are not a phenomena exclusive to women. Seek to know her. Once she completely trusts you she’ll want to be utterly consumed by you. This energy generates a spiritual Viagra and an unlimited ability for you to remain connected and fulfill her as well. A woman’s desire becomes infinite once a man never stops seeking to know the depths of her soul. A man’s performance becomes limitless once she’s been opened so completely.

 ~Graham R White

Life is Full of Hope…

Life is Full of Hope…

…and we have to remember that.

These times are so full of despair and negativity; the media brain washes us into a constant state of fear, but its a choice…and I choose hope.

I would love to be able to change the world; to change the extreme views of people who appear to have gotten those places again through fear. Fear fuels hate; and I refute hate, in all areas of my life. I don’t even allow my children to use the word.

But, I am realistic enough to realise that I cannot change the whole world alone; so I choose to change my world to a world that makes me happy, from the inside out, in the hope that my positivity will be passed on from person to person, starting with my children. My life is in no way perfect, and to be honest, I’m not even sure what that looks like, but I know what makes me happy and I know what makes me feel bad; I CHOOSE to stay away from all that makes me feel bad.

And, I focus on the things that make me feel good:

  • My children and being with them and listening to them laugh, and seeing the wonder on their innocent faces when we share experiences together; the love they give and cuddles we share and their stories about their own lives; these things fill me with joy;
  • My friends, who have been there through good times and bad, as I have for them, and who know me inside and out, even in my crazy days!;
  • For being able to provide all the basic comforts and needs to me and mine, in the knowledge that so many others have not even these things, and I’m so grateful to be so lucky to live this life;
  • Having hope that one day I will meet someone, and fall madly in love, in a way that allows my soul to rejoice and sing, and know that I am safe in that space with them, because they feel the same way about me.

On the last point, I read a poem this morning on that I just had to share with you. It could be applicable to any romantic relationship, but the hope within in it, and the feelings it elicited in me, meant that I couldn’t ignore it, so here it is:

By Sarah Harvey

There is nothing sexier than a man
Who knows how to traverse the juicy pathways of his own heart
A man who can stand to be called out on his sh*t
A man who, when you boldly ask him to be there,
Says yes—hell yes
And shows up beautifully,
With every ounce of his beating heart.

There is nothing more beautiful than a man
Who talks openly and passionately about what’s on his mind
Rather than pulling far away and glossing it over
With a bullish*t generic response of
“I’m fine.”

There is nothing more breathtaking in the world than a man
Who knows the salty taste of tears
A man who lets you see him on his worst days
And raw—
Vulnerability hanging out of his split-open heart like ripped ribbons.

There is nothing more bone-suckin’ delicious than a man
Who knows how to take care of a woman,
How to touch her softly and fiercely at the same time
How to f*ck her wildly while gazing gently into the sapphire depths of her soul
How to set her free while claiming her
And make her feel like a cherished jewel of divinity,
Like the goddess she is.

There is absolutely nothing more astounding than a man
Who kisses like he could die five minutes from now
A man who understands the gem preciousness of this breath
This inhale…and exhale…
A man who wants nothing more
Than to face the world together
As you both smile,
Set the air around you on delicate fire
Transcend bullsh*t
And ascend towards nectar galaxies far too beautiful to comprehend.

There is nothing more maddeningly magnificent than a man
Who pulls you close and declares his love for you
And shouts it from the rooftops like music
And weaves his fingers through yours with ripe enthusiasm
And isn’t scared to call you too soon
And call you out on your sh*t
And call you
The luscious love of
His life.

There is nothing more goddamn gorgeous than a man
Who is fiercely himself
Who holds the strongest heart space
In his warm, sultry embrace
For you to bloom
And soar
As he does the same.

At the end of every dissolving sands, apricot sunset-soaked day—there is nothing sexier than a man
Who knows how to love himself.
A man who values the truth running through his veins like sacred ink.
A man brave enough to be there for you—and himself—when sh*t is beautiful and when it’s completely falling apart.
This is the kind of man you deserve.
A man who isn’t afraid of emotion.
A man who shows up one hundred percent.
A man who is ready—who craves—every drop, drip and ounce of an authentic, earthy goddess of a wonderful woman like you.

Let him kiss you with his entire being until you remember who you really are.
Don’t settle down with him—
Settle up
Into a more luscious, technicolor life
A life so beautiful it hurts sometimes.
A life so fulfilling you’ll never be thirsty again.
A life so freeing and spun of soul it makes you dizzy.
Anything less than this
Heartfelt, present, purely sacred beauty
Is a goddamn
Don’t settle
Settle up.
‘Cause when the divine masculine meets the divine feminine, magic happens.
The sweetest magic of all.


The Journey Never Ends…

The Journey Never Ends…

The twists and turns of life can be surprising. As I get older, I wonder if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing?!!

I’m on a journey. A spiritual journey, and once you get on that train, you can’t get off! Believe me, I’ve tried!

Learning to embrace this ‘trip’ is something that takes a little time, stepping away from fear, and deciding to grow and move forward. Soooo, easy to say, not easy to do.

From my own experience, and from the experience of others I have spoken to, its a trip of major ups and downs. And, when you reach the point growth that you truly start to accept yourself, that’s when everything you ever knew, that wasn’t really who your authentic self relates to, it all falls away. And when it happens, its liberating and terrifying, in equal measure.

But, once you learn to embrace the change, and deal with the emotion that has come with it, its amazing and exciting. The freedom I now feel is something I have never had before.

Upbringing has a lot to do with the fear. The way we are raised and the culture around us is, in the main, responsible for our morality and the expectations we place upon ourselves. That is just the pressure we put on ourselves, not mentioning that put on us by others.

Learning to let it all go, and choose our own lives is hard….but so worth it 🙂

The Heart and the Fear

The Heart and the Fear

When something new starts and there is a possibility that ‘the heart’ might get involved, its terrifying and exciting, in almost equal measures!

Those who have read the rest of this blog will know that my history in relationships isn’t the best. And over the years, these lack lustre relationships have meant that I have built myself a pretty good set of armour. This defensive mechanism has served me well over the time I have been single and not wanted to become attached to anyone. However, the armour coming down is now I believe a process that takes a little longer!

From talking to friends, I know this phenomenon is not just applicable to me. In fact, to a greater or lesser extent, I think many of us face the same problem.

When you’ve been hurt, opening up again is not easy. Protecting your heart from further pain seems like much the easier option. But if we do that, what are we denying ourselves from feeling? Love? Joy? Are the feeling we are denying only negative ones?

Well, if that were really the case, why would anyone bother to try to find someone to love? To allow themselves to love? Surely the negativity surrounding the fear of being hurt would stop it happening it all, if that’s all there really was?

But when the armour has served so well, for so long, how do you get around it?



I can come to the conclusion that you decide to…you just do it! It’s a conscious decision to take a leap and try. How else do you do it? Sure, it could happen by accident, and you are there before you know it, but that doesn’t seem so likely, does it?

Finding someone worth taking the leap for, now that’s a whole different story, but if you do, surely you have to try?

Recently, no matter how frightening, I can start to feel my chinks relaxing and my ice heart warming. I have never been one for slow and steady, but I’m starting to believe that being in it, going with it, and seeing where something goes without all the pressure of constant neurotic assessment from your inner demons, is the only way to make anything work with another person.

So, I’m giving that a go. And so far I like it (though what he’ll say after he reads this and sees what a nut case I am is anyones guess?!!).

In the words of the witch from the Wizard of Oz “I’m melting”…….

Why define yourself like that?


I’m single. I’m a single Mum with two children. I have been single for over two years. To me, this is forever and I hate it, and that in itself makes me mad!

Why do we, as women in particular, define ourselves by whether or not we have a man or partner in our lives?!! Surely its the eternal question?

The thing is, I don’t actually need a man! I can support myself and my children, I have my own home, a good job, great friends and family, I have a life! But still, for whatever reason in my own tiny brain, all that I have is not enough for me….WHY?!

Media doesn’t help; Hollywood doesn’t help; coupley friends don’t help!! Its everywhere! Societies expectation that couples and being in a couple is whats ‘normal’. Screw normal! Who wants to be normal anyway, normal is boring!! What I do want is to feel fulfilled. Surely I don’t need a man for that?!!!

So, how do you get to a place of self-fulfilment and get rid of this painful yearn for a partner to hold your hand?

I have been on dating websites now for most of the past two years, you name it, I’ve probably been there! And the profiles on there all seem to say similar things….”normal down to earth friendly guy who for someone to share life with”. They all seem to be lying! First of all, none of us are normal! In fact I would go far as to say that there is no such thing as ‘normal’, thank god! But maybe all of us have expectations of what we are looking for that are too high?

As a woman in my mid to late 30’s, twice divorced with two children, I’ve been through the mill and know what I don’t want, as I would guess most people my age would. You don’t get to this age without a certain amount of baggage, and hopefully by this age, you know your own mind enough to know what you do and don’t want, don’t you? Well, I do! But am I being too restrictive? Or is that the same as choosy? Or am I being too choosy? Is there such a thing as too choosy?! And so the ridiculous list of questions goes on, until you eventually go insane!

Maybe its just time to find a way to let it all go? To stop looking and live life and let whatever comes and goes, and whomever comes and goes through it in transit do just that, come and go, without restriction, until the one shows up who fills your soul with joy? Or is that just something Hollywood filled our brains with to make us buy tickets to see the film? Who knows…..

What exactly am I trying to achieve?


Obvious statement….everyone’s life is different! That’s a given. But being happy in the life you’ve got is not always an easy thing to achieve. Yes, we make choices and sometimes the choices we make govern many other decisions that follow those choices. For example, having children.

As a single mother, much of my time is taken up with my children’s care and needs. It goes without saying that I am happy to do this. I love them both with all my being. But is it so wrong that I want more?

Even the suggestion of this makes me feel and guilty, and I can hear the gasps from the likes of the Women’s Institute from here! Lily Allen was recently slated for saying that she found being at home all day with her children mind numbing and that she needed more……good on her I say!

If my kids weren’t here, you wouldn’t see me for dust! If I had no responsibilities and not a care in the world, I would sell everything and become a yoga teacher, travelling and living, and seeing all the countries of the world that call to me so loudly and so frequently.

The job that I have pays for our life, but it is slowly killing my soul! Yes, that’s a little dramatic, but it’s how it feels at times. So, I have made a decision…

I have decided to fill my life with positivity! To do all the things I love that make my soul sing. And so what if I have responsibilities that mean I do a job that bores me?! In the time that I have that is free (virtually every weekday evening being a single mother!), I will do the things that fill me with joy.

I have a list:

Write, in whatever format I choose, including doing a creative writing course;

Practice yoga;

Plan my next amazing travelling adventure;

Although it doesn’t yet make my soul sing, run! It makes my body hurt, but I feel better. Having said that, I’m beginning to wonder if signing up for the Great Birmingham Run half marathon in October was a good idea, the training is brutal (please sponsor me at just, thank you :-))

Learning about nutrition and healthy living, and turning this new info into healthy food to benefit all 3 of us.


I plan to write/blog about all of these things, and other subjects, of course!

I’m done being bored and frustrated with my life….let’s get on with it! 😊