I can feel so much. Feel everything. Whirling around inside of me and I don’t even know what it is I can feel. Fear, insecurity, being on the edge of something, healing, moving on, letting go…perhaps its all of those and everything at the same time.
Over the past 15 years, maybe a little more, so much has happened in my life…massive love, found and then lost; near suicide; vulnerability and pain; pregnancy; abortion; rape; babies; marriage; divorce; abandonment; losing family…but most of all through all of this, after losing myself for so many years, doing the work, and finding myself again. Or at least getting on the path to getting there and finally figuring out who am, what is important, and where my place in the world is.
I can’t decide if this writing is self-indulgent, but you know what, if it is, who cares?! Who am I hurting? No one. And for me, that has become the key. Hurt no one, especially yourself. Listen to yourself. Listen. And that is the greatest gift anyone can give to anyone else…to listen. To be present for that person, in that moment.
The world has become a pretty crappy place to live, and it would be so easy to get depressed, and give up. God knows, we have all felt that way at times; I know I have. But I have come to realise that obsessing about what is happening in the world doesn’t change what is happening in the world! All I can do is my bit. All I can do is make my life the best it can be. Do the work. Figure my shit out. And yeah, that hurts. It hurts like hell. But so what?! Isn’t that better than feeling nothing? Isn’t that better than not wanting to heal? Isn’t that better than sitting in the shit and doing nothing about it? Lotus flowers grow out of the shit…quite literally.
And that’s what I’m doing. That’s all any of us can do. The only way to open our eyes is to first look within. Find out what makes us who we are. Find out what makes us tick. And when you’ve found it, run with it. Because that is your purpose, your reason for being. And along the way, there’s nothing wrong with stumbling, or making a mess. We are human. Humans are here to make a mess!