Category Archives: Weirdness

Life hurts…

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Life hurts…

I can feel so much. Feel everything. Whirling around inside of me and I don’t even know what it is I can feel. Fear, insecurity, being on the edge of something, healing, moving on, letting go…perhaps its all of those and everything at the same time.

Over the past 15 years, maybe a little more, so much has happened in my life…massive love, found and then lost; near suicide; vulnerability and pain; pregnancy; abortion; rape; babies; marriage; divorce; abandonment; losing family…but most of all through all of this, after losing myself for so many years, doing the work, and finding myself again. Or at least getting on the path to getting there and finally figuring out who am, what is important, and where my place in the world is.

I can’t decide if this writing is self-indulgent, but you know what, if it is, who cares?! Who am I hurting? No one. And for me, that has become the key. Hurt no one, especially yourself. Listen to yourself. Listen. And that is the greatest gift anyone can give to anyone else…to listen. To be present for that person, in that moment.

The world has become a pretty crappy place to live, and it would be so easy to get depressed, and give up. God knows, we have all felt that way at times; I know I have. But I have come to realise that obsessing about what is happening in the world doesn’t change what is happening in the world! All I can do is my bit. All I can do is make my life the best it can be. Do the work. Figure my shit out. And yeah, that hurts. It hurts like hell. But so what?! Isn’t that better than feeling nothing? Isn’t that better than not wanting to heal? Isn’t that better than sitting in the shit and doing nothing about it? Lotus flowers grow out of the shit…quite literally.

And that’s what I’m doing. That’s all any of us can do. The only way to open our eyes is to first look within. Find out what makes us who we are. Find out what makes us tick. And when you’ve found it, run with it. Because that is your purpose, your reason for being. And along the way, there’s nothing wrong with stumbling, or making a mess. We are human. Humans are here to make a mess!

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So much to say, so little time…

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I realise, once again, I have been absent from here, which is odd, because I really have so much to say!

Knowing you have so much to say, and how to say it, though, are two very different things. The energy behind the words holds its own invitation for interpretation, and once it is out there, in the universe, it cannot be taken back.

So, I have been busy learning, and expanding, and growing (not literally, I’m the same size!).

My life is unrecognisable from the life I was living twelve months ago. I have a new business, http://www.dragonflyholistics.com, which I am in the process of growing, as I grow. It is a holistic therapy business, and focuses on helping people….that it very much the direction I want to live in. I want to help….

And part of me helping, which may not make sense to all, is me talking. I have something to say, and can no longer quiet! So I am using this space, the space I have previously used, to speak my thoughts and hopefully open things up for debate….

Come, chat with me….it’ll be fun 🙂

Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

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Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

So, its been a long time since I had anything to say!! Which isn’t actually factual, as my friends would attest to, I’m sure! Its just that its been a while since I had anything to share with whomever reads this.

Life got in the way. And, thats not always a bad thing. In the last week, I returned from a trip to Costa Rica. An incredible trip, not just because of the country and its beauty, but because of the people I shared this experience with.

None of these persons were known to me before I went, we were, in the main, total strangers to each other. We spent 16 days travelling the length and breadth of this beautiful land, and in spending 24 hours a day together, got to know each other very fast, inside and out. We learned to love, and hate, each other. It was incredible.

But that was not the only thing that this trip brought me. It also gave me an awareness of myself that I previously did not have. I discovered I have an incredible ability not to feel. What I mean by that is, I can put everything that is in my life at home in a box, and hardly think about it, let alone miss it! I didn’t know this until I went away this time. I lived in the moment, every moment to its fullest. And its certainly not to say that I didn’t think of my children or my boyfriend, I did….but not in the way you would expect. I just switched it all off, like rebooting a computer!

Until, it caught up with me. About a week and a half into my trip, my emotions could no longer handle it, and I exploded! I sobbed. And it was so difficult to explain to anyone I was with what was wrong with me, because I really didn’t know. I just felt confused and hurt and sad, and I really didn’t know why. In the process of all this, I hurt my boyfriend by being cold, and seemed to have transferred some of what I should have been feeling for those left behind onto people who were there with me.

This can’t be normal, right?! Well, it seems I am not the only one to react like this. Having spoken to friends, one of my closest friends completely understood what I was explaining, and said that she reacted the same way when she travelled, stating that sometimes she hardly thought of home at all…..to which I totally identify with.

Does this make me a bad mother? A bad girlfriend? Maybe. Or is it just a coping strategy for my brain to shut down and switch off (the reason for the trip in the first place), and allow me the space I needed to remember who I am, and actually how much fun I can have, as well as how much fun I can be?

I no longer feel bad. I actually quite like this part of me! Everything is better, I know me more than I did, and my loved ones still welcomed me home with open arms.

I’m a very lucky girl. And to those who identify with this, don’t feel bad, it doesn’t make you a bad person. And, the others who think I am awful for admitting to these feelings, we are all different, and this is me. If I can deal with it, thats all that matters to me 🙂

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What’s so weird about being ‘weird’ anyway?!!

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What’s so weird about being ‘weird’ anyway?!!

An old friend said to me recently, ‘…you know, you’ve turned into a hippy don’t you?’. I think it was right after I’d mentioned that I had made my own washing powder, the recipe for which I had found on a witches website (apparently they have websites these days!) and did she want it?!! I think the fact that I am now spattered with tattoo’s of various significant meaning on areas of my body that I can choose to reveal, or not, if I so choose to!

I once went on a date with a guy, who turned out to be a ‘bum’ doctor (he specialised in pelvic floors!). He, who read history books for fun, concluded that I was a hippy because I had tattoo’s and my ears had two ear piercings instead of the standard one! And he said this to me like it was an insult, when in fact I was quite pleased!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wear tie-dyed clothing and swirly skirts, not that there is anything wrong with either if that is your choice, its just not mine. In fact, on this particular date, I believe I was wearing very expensive Nicole Farhi boots with skinny jeans and a tight black vest top, which I don’t think are de-rigueur for your stereotypical hippy?!

As for my original question about being weird, my friends will agree that I can be a bit weird…whats wrong with that?! Yes, I can read tarot cards if I so choose to; yes, I do Reiki and feel vibrations and chakras; yes, I believe I have spirit guides, and talk to them……SO?! Isn’t me believing these things and putting my faith in the universe and what it has to give the same as someone else having religion? (Don’t get me started on religion!) If these beliefs make me weird, I’m happy with that….I’m very happily weird in my own weird world!