So much to say, so little time…

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I realise, once again, I have been absent from here, which is odd, because I really have so much to say!

Knowing you have so much to say, and how to say it, though, are two very different things. The energy behind the words holds its own invitation for interpretation, and once it is out there, in the universe, it cannot be taken back.

So, I have been busy learning, and expanding, and growing (not literally, I’m the same size!).

My life is unrecognisable from the life I was living twelve months ago. I have a new business, http://www.dragonflyholistics.com, which I am in the process of growing, as I grow. It is a holistic therapy business, and focuses on helping people….that it very much the direction I want to live in. I want to help….

And part of me helping, which may not make sense to all, is me talking. I have something to say, and can no longer quiet! So I am using this space, the space I have previously used, to speak my thoughts and hopefully open things up for debate….

Come, chat with me….it’ll be fun 🙂

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Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

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Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

So, its been a long time since I had anything to say!! Which isn’t actually factual, as my friends would attest to, I’m sure! Its just that its been a while since I had anything to share with whomever reads this.

Life got in the way. And, thats not always a bad thing. In the last week, I returned from a trip to Costa Rica. An incredible trip, not just because of the country and its beauty, but because of the people I shared this experience with.

None of these persons were known to me before I went, we were, in the main, total strangers to each other. We spent 16 days travelling the length and breadth of this beautiful land, and in spending 24 hours a day together, got to know each other very fast, inside and out. We learned to love, and hate, each other. It was incredible.

But that was not the only thing that this trip brought me. It also gave me an awareness of myself that I previously did not have. I discovered I have an incredible ability not to feel. What I mean by that is, I can put everything that is in my life at home in a box, and hardly think about it, let alone miss it! I didn’t know this until I went away this time. I lived in the moment, every moment to its fullest. And its certainly not to say that I didn’t think of my children or my boyfriend, I did….but not in the way you would expect. I just switched it all off, like rebooting a computer!

Until, it caught up with me. About a week and a half into my trip, my emotions could no longer handle it, and I exploded! I sobbed. And it was so difficult to explain to anyone I was with what was wrong with me, because I really didn’t know. I just felt confused and hurt and sad, and I really didn’t know why. In the process of all this, I hurt my boyfriend by being cold, and seemed to have transferred some of what I should have been feeling for those left behind onto people who were there with me.

This can’t be normal, right?! Well, it seems I am not the only one to react like this. Having spoken to friends, one of my closest friends completely understood what I was explaining, and said that she reacted the same way when she travelled, stating that sometimes she hardly thought of home at all…..to which I totally identify with.

Does this make me a bad mother? A bad girlfriend? Maybe. Or is it just a coping strategy for my brain to shut down and switch off (the reason for the trip in the first place), and allow me the space I needed to remember who I am, and actually how much fun I can have, as well as how much fun I can be?

I no longer feel bad. I actually quite like this part of me! Everything is better, I know me more than I did, and my loved ones still welcomed me home with open arms.

I’m a very lucky girl. And to those who identify with this, don’t feel bad, it doesn’t make you a bad person. And, the others who think I am awful for admitting to these feelings, we are all different, and this is me. If I can deal with it, thats all that matters to me 🙂

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Falling in the Fall…Learning to Let It Go…

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Falling in the Fall…Learning to Let It Go…

It’s Autumn, and I love it. Love. That’s a hard word to come to terms with. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

Why do we all struggle so much with the concept of ‘love’? Learning to love; allowing ourselves to love; letting others know we love them? That last one, I believe, is the hardest one. Letting another know you are falling in love with them. Allowing yourself to feel the vulnerability of it, without knowing whether they feel the same way about you.

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The quote above sums it up perfectly. How do you know without the traffic lights?!!

At some point, we have to learn to let go, be vulnerable, embrace the fear, and just go with it.

And that’s where I am. I’m making myself vulnerable, which in itself makes me incredibly uncomfortable! Constantly asking myself if its too soon to be feeling these feelings? Does the person I have these feelings for feel the same way about me? What if he doesn’t, and I’m out here on my own? What then?

The ‘fear’ is what stops us. The fear is what stops us doing everything, and that’s why we need to tell the ‘fear’ to f*#k off, leave us alone, and let the bravery of vulnerability in. Let the joy in. Take a risk with your heart, and go for it.

What if he does feel the same way, and he’s scared too? Maybe he’s waiting for me? Maybe?

The full moon is today, and its an Aries blood moon. So powerful. Its a time of transformation in our relationships. A time of powerful feelings, where everything is exaggerated. Maybe its the ideal time to take the risk? Is it?!!!

And the doubt creeps back in, backed up by the fear!!! Damn you fear, damn you from the deepest part of my heart that wants to embrace the love!!

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Learning to Trust….Me!

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Learning to Trust….Me!

Everyone who has been through a difficult time knows that trust can be broken, and can never truly be regained, at least in my opinion. When I say a difficult time, I suppose I mean a bad breakup, getting your heart broken into a million little pieces.

And we all know it takes time to get over the fall out from the breakup. The pain, the hurt, the anger, the relief finally when it all ends and we can move on. And we do, we move on. But when we move on, it becomes so much harder to believe in someone new.

Our innocence and naivety is lost through the suffering we have endured, and for a whole at least, we become hard and colder and perhaps a little jaded. I know it, I’ve been there.

How do we get past that cynicism? I truly think it’s as simple as, we decide to. We allow ourselves to. We take a leap of faith, and believe that life is good and we can feel the joy of love again.

And that’s where I am. I have decided I want to feel the joy. And it’s hard! Being brave enough to be happy, it’s hard.

Society puts so much pressure around us to behave in certain ways, to conform, to have time periods and rules when we start something new with someone so that in the end restrict ourselves because we might be ‘doing it wrong’. If your feelings for someone are so strong, and you feel the joy of that, what difference does a time period make? Sure, it takes time to get to know someone properly, and during that time the affirmations and proclamations made by them might be harder to believe, but is that a reason not to believe them? Isn’t believing in joy being went your way the path to your own happiness?

I was, and continue to be, happy in myself first. I didn’t seek out another person to ‘complete me’. I think it’s just happening before my eyes, and it’s astonishing, and liberating, and scary, and wonderful.

I feel blessed that I feel this way. I don’t know how long this will last, but while it’s here and I have it in my life, I am relishing the experience for all it’s worth 😊

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Change of Seasons and the Soul Singing

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Change of Seasons and the Soul Singing

Life is good. This is my current mantra.

I am healthy and happy and find myself not wanting for anything, and I can’t tell you what a wonderful place that is to be, and one that I am not taking for granted. I relish this feeling. This positivity.

This time of year is one of my favourite, also. The beauty that surrounds us with the change of seasons as the leaves start to die back and their incredible autumnal colours show themselves to us. Every morning when I drive my children to school, and living in the countryside, I am lucky enough to drive down roads surrounded by gorgeous trees, whom are now in the process of changing their colours. The light at this time of year changes. The sun is lower in the sky, and when the light comes through the trees in shafts through the heavy foliage, the beauty it shows is untold.

Light shaftsEvery time I see a scene like this, it literally takes my breath away, and brings me crashing back into the moment I’m living in, without realising it has happened until I arrive, and the surprise of it makes my heart surge.

I have realised that my life is full of people that I love and cherish, and that in itself is something that cannot be disregarded as lacking in importance. As I have previously mentioned, I am looking at moving house. I was planning to move areas, but I have now come to see that I love where I live, I love my children, I love my friends, I love my town and the places around it…why would I move away from somewhere I love and the people in it?

And, I think I have found someone whom I can build something with, a relationship, and my heart is full of hope. But for the first time in my life, and in any relationship, I am completely me, authentically. I am open and honest and real. I know that may seem a strange thing to say, but if you think about it, when we meet  someone we want to be involved with, there is always an element of self-preservation through holding back and using the armour we have created for ourselves over the previous heart breaks.

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The quote about from Anais Nin is so applicable. And I have realised that we cannot experience the true joy that may be available to us unless we allow ourselves to step onto the path of love, and walk with it, wherever it may take us. So, that’s where I’m going.

I am blessed and I am happy, and I plan to stay that way 🙂

People are difficult…especially me!

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I’ve been single for a long time. In that time, I’ve gotten used to having my own space, doing things in ways I’m used to, without having to consult anyone else. I’ve become protective of my children during that time, and having to be both mother and father to both of them (even though they still see their Dads, they are not constantly around), I am good cop and bad cop, and finding the balance can be hard, particularly if you are feeling out of sorts.

I know I can be a difficult person to be around sometimes. I know I am blunt and direct, and sometimes that is needed, though often I feel like I’m misunderstood, and that my reaction to a situation is misconstrued, and I feel the unfairness of it deeply.

Being single, and particularly a single parent, means you make all the decisions for you and your kids alone without any consultation. In many ways, that’s very liberating. But sometimes, the burden becomes heavy, and can weigh you down.

I feel a weight right now. I am about to move me and my children to a new area. I am totally convinced hat his is the right thing to do. But the ‘change’ and newness of it, especially doing it alone, is frightening, and I do feel alone. If I was having this discussion with friends or family, I know they would simply pick up on me being worried, and suggest I was making a mistake, instead of helping me embrace the change.

I think the fear and the change is making me so much more sensitive to everything else around me, so, for example, if something happens that is negative, I feel it more keenly and it hurts more deeply. And that in itself is hard because it makes me feel pathetic!

Change is hard. New is hard. But it’s good and I’m trying to be brave

The Stress of Change

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So I’m moving house, and so far I’m really not enjoying the whole experience!

Change is so much easier when we are younger. We adapt more easily and things don’t seem so hard. We make and decision, and go with it, moving along as the universe guides us, mindfully, to the path that serves us best. Why is it so much harder to do that as we get older?

I am really feeling the weight of the responsibility of making this decision and doing it right for me and my children. Most people going through this kind of change with children in tow, have a partner to lean of for support, and to discuss the implications and ins and outs of the move, for you and for the children. But not when you are doing it alone, and its hard.

We are moving areas, which means not only are we moving house, my oldest needs a new school and my youngest a new nursery, and that in itself is driving me to distraction with the choices to be made!

I think the worst part is the waiting….waiting for my current house to sell; waiting for someone to sell an appropriate and affordable house for us to move to; waiting to know where exactly their new school and nursery should be which can’t be sorted until the house is sorted! Stress on top of stress!

And its hard to be patient and wait for the universe to bring it into line to work as it is supposed to for the greatest benefit of all. Patience is not a virtue I am blessed with, which my mother has already taken the blame for by her own admission!

So, I’m waiting and trying to enjoy the process…….its a tough one!

 

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Having thought about it, I have realised a big part of what I’m feeling is grief.

Grief for the life I had; for my marriages; for what has happened whilst I’ve been in this house; for the person I once was and the person I have become; for my children not having their fathers around all the time; for this being the only home I’ve known since my childhood one and moving being such a wrench….and many other things.

It just hit me that besides the stress of the move, there is dealing with letting go. I have spent the best part of a decade in this house, and now its time to move on, its hard.

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On this graph depicting the Satir Change Model, I would say I am somewhere around ‘chaos’ at the moment! Somewhere in there, if I was designing it, I would add initial excitement (depending on the change one is living through, of course!), but now, it feels like grief and fear, and I’m so ready for the next part!

So, universe, bring it on, its time!!

The Heart and the Fear

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The Heart and the Fear

When something new starts and there is a possibility that ‘the heart’ might get involved, its terrifying and exciting, in almost equal measures!

Those who have read the rest of this blog will know that my history in relationships isn’t the best. And over the years, these lack lustre relationships have meant that I have built myself a pretty good set of armour. This defensive mechanism has served me well over the time I have been single and not wanted to become attached to anyone. However, the armour coming down is now I believe a process that takes a little longer!

From talking to friends, I know this phenomenon is not just applicable to me. In fact, to a greater or lesser extent, I think many of us face the same problem.

When you’ve been hurt, opening up again is not easy. Protecting your heart from further pain seems like much the easier option. But if we do that, what are we denying ourselves from feeling? Love? Joy? Are the feeling we are denying only negative ones?

Well, if that were really the case, why would anyone bother to try to find someone to love? To allow themselves to love? Surely the negativity surrounding the fear of being hurt would stop it happening it all, if that’s all there really was?

But when the armour has served so well, for so long, how do you get around it?

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I can come to the conclusion that you decide to…you just do it! It’s a conscious decision to take a leap and try. How else do you do it? Sure, it could happen by accident, and you are there before you know it, but that doesn’t seem so likely, does it?

Finding someone worth taking the leap for, now that’s a whole different story, but if you do, surely you have to try?

Recently, no matter how frightening, I can start to feel my chinks relaxing and my ice heart warming. I have never been one for slow and steady, but I’m starting to believe that being in it, going with it, and seeing where something goes without all the pressure of constant neurotic assessment from your inner demons, is the only way to make anything work with another person.

So, I’m giving that a go. And so far I like it (though what he’ll say after he reads this and sees what a nut case I am is anyones guess?!!).

In the words of the witch from the Wizard of Oz “I’m melting”…….

Just Go With It….How?!

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I read a lot of blogs, a lot of articles about all sorts of topics, many of which probably sound a little like me, rambling on about life’s misgivings and the difficulties we all face and how we should living now in the ‘right now’, embrace where we are with our lives right now instead of looking backward and forward. But how do you really do that?

It’s not easy, believe me, I’ve tried. In fact I’m still trying, all day, every day. Yes, meditation helps and yoga helps and exercise helps….all these things help to ground us, but finding the now and staying there are different things, in my humble opinion.

For example, when you start to date someone new, it’s exciting and fun and you are getting to know someone who could hopefully bring joy into your life. But, unfortunately, by the time one reaches my grand old age of 37 (it’s actually my birthday today!), it’s extremely hard not to hold onto baggage from previous relationships. It’s hard to trust again if you’ve been hurt. It’s very difficult to just let go, and be ‘in it’, whatever it is, because we are all so scared and fearful of being hurt.

We all know getting hurt sucks! But, and this is something I have discussed with girlfriends, who agreed with my position, if we don’t let go and allow ourselves to be in a position where we might get hurt, how do we fully experience what life has to show us and the gifts it has to give?

I truly believe the only fear that exists is the fear of the unknown. Think about it: fear of the dark (what’s out there?); fear of snakes (what if it attacks me?); fear of intimacy (what if I get hurt?). Getting hurt and the fear of getting hurt are two of the greatest stumbling blocks we have. If they weren’t there, and we were fearless, would we be happier? If we were fearless, would there be less fighting? Would we embrace each other more? Or would it have the opposite effect? Eventually, the fighting would have to stop, and all that would left is emptiness and love.

And that’s where we have to start from. Start from a point of nothing, and allow it to become something, to grow. And for us to be brave enough to let the fear go, and just go with it.

It’s so easy to say this in the written word, and to actually believe it, but to be honest, I am not that enlightened! But it’s something to aim for, and I’ll get there, hopefully. It’s time to stop running, embrace what we have, and if there are things has need to be and can be fixed, just give them a little time to breathe, not much that they develop, but so that’s so easily said again.

And I’m trying, everyday. And there are those around me to who have to tolerate my impatience with myself (and sometimes them), and the stronger ones who live their lives the exact way they always thought they would. They are truly embracing the self 😊

P.S. I was very tired and sleepy when I wrote this, so if it rambles you have my reasons!😄

Being Grateful for my Life

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Being Grateful for my Life

Two years ago today, my baby boy was born. That in itself is such an amazing thing. He is amazing, and along with his big brother, they complete my life.

But how my youngest son got here was not so easy. It started off normally enough. I was married to his father, who had no children (my oldest is from a previous relationship) and he wanted to be a father. So, we tried and after a few months, it worked, my baby boy was on his way. Then when I was 6 months pregnant, his father left, with no explanation, and never returned to raise his son. He left me pregnant, with a very upset and confused 5 year old step-son to help come to terms with what had happened, not to mention how I felt.

These things happen. At the time, it was horrendous. My friends and family were amazing and helped me hold it together for the sake of my son and my unborn child. And I functioned for the remainder of my pregnancy, until 2 years ago, he arrived, after 35 hours of labour! With the help of my amazing friend who held my hand through the whole thing and fought my corner with the midwives, who were horrible!

Yes, the first few months of his life were hard, but I got through it, we all did. And these past 2 years have had major ups and downs, but now I am so grateful to his father for leaving! He did the best thing for me, and for his son. He walked away from a relationship that was never going to work, but gave me a son who is so special. He has a great relationship with his son, and pays his allotted portion, as well as loving his son in a way that has made him a Daddy, and not just a father.

Being a single Mum can be so hard, but it is also extremely rewarding, and I am reminded everyday by my children how amazingly lucky I am to have them in my life 🙂