Tag Archives: living

Life hurts…

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Life hurts…

I can feel so much. Feel everything. Whirling around inside of me and I don’t even know what it is I can feel. Fear, insecurity, being on the edge of something, healing, moving on, letting go…perhaps its all of those and everything at the same time.

Over the past 15 years, maybe a little more, so much has happened in my life…massive love, found and then lost; near suicide; vulnerability and pain; pregnancy; abortion; rape; babies; marriage; divorce; abandonment; losing family…but most of all through all of this, after losing myself for so many years, doing the work, and finding myself again. Or at least getting on the path to getting there and finally figuring out who am, what is important, and where my place in the world is.

I can’t decide if this writing is self-indulgent, but you know what, if it is, who cares?! Who am I hurting? No one. And for me, that has become the key. Hurt no one, especially yourself. Listen to yourself. Listen. And that is the greatest gift anyone can give to anyone else…to listen. To be present for that person, in that moment.

The world has become a pretty crappy place to live, and it would be so easy to get depressed, and give up. God knows, we have all felt that way at times; I know I have. But I have come to realise that obsessing about what is happening in the world doesn’t change what is happening in the world! All I can do is my bit. All I can do is make my life the best it can be. Do the work. Figure my shit out. And yeah, that hurts. It hurts like hell. But so what?! Isn’t that better than feeling nothing? Isn’t that better than not wanting to heal? Isn’t that better than sitting in the shit and doing nothing about it? Lotus flowers grow out of the shit…quite literally.

And that’s what I’m doing. That’s all any of us can do. The only way to open our eyes is to first look within. Find out what makes us who we are. Find out what makes us tick. And when you’ve found it, run with it. Because that is your purpose, your reason for being. And along the way, there’s nothing wrong with stumbling, or making a mess. We are human. Humans are here to make a mess!

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The Journey Never Ends…

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The Journey Never Ends…

The twists and turns of life can be surprising. As I get older, I wonder if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing?!!

I’m on a journey. A spiritual journey, and once you get on that train, you can’t get off! Believe me, I’ve tried!

Learning to embrace this ‘trip’ is something that takes a little time, stepping away from fear, and deciding to grow and move forward. Soooo, easy to say, not easy to do.

From my own experience, and from the experience of others I have spoken to, its a trip of major ups and downs. And, when you reach the point growth that you truly start to accept yourself, that’s when everything you ever knew, that wasn’t really who your authentic self relates to, it all falls away. And when it happens, its liberating and terrifying, in equal measure.

But, once you learn to embrace the change, and deal with the emotion that has come with it, its amazing and exciting. The freedom I now feel is something I have never had before.

Upbringing has a lot to do with the fear. The way we are raised and the culture around us is, in the main, responsible for our morality and the expectations we place upon ourselves. That is just the pressure we put on ourselves, not mentioning that put on us by others.

Learning to let it all go, and choose our own lives is hard….but so worth it 🙂

Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

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Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

So, its been a long time since I had anything to say!! Which isn’t actually factual, as my friends would attest to, I’m sure! Its just that its been a while since I had anything to share with whomever reads this.

Life got in the way. And, thats not always a bad thing. In the last week, I returned from a trip to Costa Rica. An incredible trip, not just because of the country and its beauty, but because of the people I shared this experience with.

None of these persons were known to me before I went, we were, in the main, total strangers to each other. We spent 16 days travelling the length and breadth of this beautiful land, and in spending 24 hours a day together, got to know each other very fast, inside and out. We learned to love, and hate, each other. It was incredible.

But that was not the only thing that this trip brought me. It also gave me an awareness of myself that I previously did not have. I discovered I have an incredible ability not to feel. What I mean by that is, I can put everything that is in my life at home in a box, and hardly think about it, let alone miss it! I didn’t know this until I went away this time. I lived in the moment, every moment to its fullest. And its certainly not to say that I didn’t think of my children or my boyfriend, I did….but not in the way you would expect. I just switched it all off, like rebooting a computer!

Until, it caught up with me. About a week and a half into my trip, my emotions could no longer handle it, and I exploded! I sobbed. And it was so difficult to explain to anyone I was with what was wrong with me, because I really didn’t know. I just felt confused and hurt and sad, and I really didn’t know why. In the process of all this, I hurt my boyfriend by being cold, and seemed to have transferred some of what I should have been feeling for those left behind onto people who were there with me.

This can’t be normal, right?! Well, it seems I am not the only one to react like this. Having spoken to friends, one of my closest friends completely understood what I was explaining, and said that she reacted the same way when she travelled, stating that sometimes she hardly thought of home at all…..to which I totally identify with.

Does this make me a bad mother? A bad girlfriend? Maybe. Or is it just a coping strategy for my brain to shut down and switch off (the reason for the trip in the first place), and allow me the space I needed to remember who I am, and actually how much fun I can have, as well as how much fun I can be?

I no longer feel bad. I actually quite like this part of me! Everything is better, I know me more than I did, and my loved ones still welcomed me home with open arms.

I’m a very lucky girl. And to those who identify with this, don’t feel bad, it doesn’t make you a bad person. And, the others who think I am awful for admitting to these feelings, we are all different, and this is me. If I can deal with it, thats all that matters to me 🙂

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Learning to Trust….Me!

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Learning to Trust….Me!

Everyone who has been through a difficult time knows that trust can be broken, and can never truly be regained, at least in my opinion. When I say a difficult time, I suppose I mean a bad breakup, getting your heart broken into a million little pieces.

And we all know it takes time to get over the fall out from the breakup. The pain, the hurt, the anger, the relief finally when it all ends and we can move on. And we do, we move on. But when we move on, it becomes so much harder to believe in someone new.

Our innocence and naivety is lost through the suffering we have endured, and for a whole at least, we become hard and colder and perhaps a little jaded. I know it, I’ve been there.

How do we get past that cynicism? I truly think it’s as simple as, we decide to. We allow ourselves to. We take a leap of faith, and believe that life is good and we can feel the joy of love again.

And that’s where I am. I have decided I want to feel the joy. And it’s hard! Being brave enough to be happy, it’s hard.

Society puts so much pressure around us to behave in certain ways, to conform, to have time periods and rules when we start something new with someone so that in the end restrict ourselves because we might be ‘doing it wrong’. If your feelings for someone are so strong, and you feel the joy of that, what difference does a time period make? Sure, it takes time to get to know someone properly, and during that time the affirmations and proclamations made by them might be harder to believe, but is that a reason not to believe them? Isn’t believing in joy being went your way the path to your own happiness?

I was, and continue to be, happy in myself first. I didn’t seek out another person to ‘complete me’. I think it’s just happening before my eyes, and it’s astonishing, and liberating, and scary, and wonderful.

I feel blessed that I feel this way. I don’t know how long this will last, but while it’s here and I have it in my life, I am relishing the experience for all it’s worth 😊

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Change of Seasons and the Soul Singing

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Change of Seasons and the Soul Singing

Life is good. This is my current mantra.

I am healthy and happy and find myself not wanting for anything, and I can’t tell you what a wonderful place that is to be, and one that I am not taking for granted. I relish this feeling. This positivity.

This time of year is one of my favourite, also. The beauty that surrounds us with the change of seasons as the leaves start to die back and their incredible autumnal colours show themselves to us. Every morning when I drive my children to school, and living in the countryside, I am lucky enough to drive down roads surrounded by gorgeous trees, whom are now in the process of changing their colours. The light at this time of year changes. The sun is lower in the sky, and when the light comes through the trees in shafts through the heavy foliage, the beauty it shows is untold.

Light shaftsEvery time I see a scene like this, it literally takes my breath away, and brings me crashing back into the moment I’m living in, without realising it has happened until I arrive, and the surprise of it makes my heart surge.

I have realised that my life is full of people that I love and cherish, and that in itself is something that cannot be disregarded as lacking in importance. As I have previously mentioned, I am looking at moving house. I was planning to move areas, but I have now come to see that I love where I live, I love my children, I love my friends, I love my town and the places around it…why would I move away from somewhere I love and the people in it?

And, I think I have found someone whom I can build something with, a relationship, and my heart is full of hope. But for the first time in my life, and in any relationship, I am completely me, authentically. I am open and honest and real. I know that may seem a strange thing to say, but if you think about it, when we meet  someone we want to be involved with, there is always an element of self-preservation through holding back and using the armour we have created for ourselves over the previous heart breaks.

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The quote about from Anais Nin is so applicable. And I have realised that we cannot experience the true joy that may be available to us unless we allow ourselves to step onto the path of love, and walk with it, wherever it may take us. So, that’s where I’m going.

I am blessed and I am happy, and I plan to stay that way 🙂

The Stress of Change

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15.36pm

So I’m moving house, and so far I’m really not enjoying the whole experience!

Change is so much easier when we are younger. We adapt more easily and things don’t seem so hard. We make and decision, and go with it, moving along as the universe guides us, mindfully, to the path that serves us best. Why is it so much harder to do that as we get older?

I am really feeling the weight of the responsibility of making this decision and doing it right for me and my children. Most people going through this kind of change with children in tow, have a partner to lean of for support, and to discuss the implications and ins and outs of the move, for you and for the children. But not when you are doing it alone, and its hard.

We are moving areas, which means not only are we moving house, my oldest needs a new school and my youngest a new nursery, and that in itself is driving me to distraction with the choices to be made!

I think the worst part is the waiting….waiting for my current house to sell; waiting for someone to sell an appropriate and affordable house for us to move to; waiting to know where exactly their new school and nursery should be which can’t be sorted until the house is sorted! Stress on top of stress!

And its hard to be patient and wait for the universe to bring it into line to work as it is supposed to for the greatest benefit of all. Patience is not a virtue I am blessed with, which my mother has already taken the blame for by her own admission!

So, I’m waiting and trying to enjoy the process…….its a tough one!

 

19.08pm

Having thought about it, I have realised a big part of what I’m feeling is grief.

Grief for the life I had; for my marriages; for what has happened whilst I’ve been in this house; for the person I once was and the person I have become; for my children not having their fathers around all the time; for this being the only home I’ve known since my childhood one and moving being such a wrench….and many other things.

It just hit me that besides the stress of the move, there is dealing with letting go. I have spent the best part of a decade in this house, and now its time to move on, its hard.

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On this graph depicting the Satir Change Model, I would say I am somewhere around ‘chaos’ at the moment! Somewhere in there, if I was designing it, I would add initial excitement (depending on the change one is living through, of course!), but now, it feels like grief and fear, and I’m so ready for the next part!

So, universe, bring it on, its time!!

Patience and Mindfulness

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Patience and Mindfulness

This is something I am truly terrible at! I’ve decide its a good thing I know I’m bad at it so at least I can work on it, but still, I think its my biggest fault.

I think being impatient is a symptom of the world we live in. We live in a world of immediates. Fast cars, fast food, fast answers, fast medicine….we wait for nothing. So, when life throws us a curve ball and there isn’t an immediate fix, we stamp our feet and scream and cry because there isn’t a pill to fix it RIGHT NOW!

patienceSo, we complain and get frustrated, me absolutely included in this. And the frustration makes me more frustrated with myself for being frustrated in the first place….vicious circle!

Everyone wants more…more things, more money, more love, more friends, think that having more will make them happy. Even the girl in the image on the right who is trying to find her solution in meditation isn’t patient enough to give it the time it needs to work…I have been that girl, in fact I think I still am! Its makes me think of the scene in Eat, Pray, Love (a book and film I completely love, Elizabeth Gilbert is fantastic) when she arrives at the ashram and goes to the meditation room but can’t switch her brain off for more than 30 seconds!

Mindfulness. I have read so much about this concept;

Mindfulness is “the intentional, accepting and non-judgmental focus of one’s attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations occurring in the present moment (Wikipedia, 22/07/14)

This is a concept derived from Buddhist practices and is something that can be learnt, or practiced, through concepts bringing one back to ‘living in the now’. Many of us are guilty of looking forward to something, or remembering how things used to be, and there’s nothing wrong with either, but very few of us fully appreciate what we have around us now.

For me, its time to breathe. To live and appreciate. To slow down and just stop and look around, and be grateful for everything I have right now and just stop looking for something, not even knowing what that something is. We could all do worse than to do this…

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