Tag Archives: matters of the heart

Life hurts…

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Life hurts…

I can feel so much. Feel everything. Whirling around inside of me and I don’t even know what it is I can feel. Fear, insecurity, being on the edge of something, healing, moving on, letting go…perhaps its all of those and everything at the same time.

Over the past 15 years, maybe a little more, so much has happened in my life…massive love, found and then lost; near suicide; vulnerability and pain; pregnancy; abortion; rape; babies; marriage; divorce; abandonment; losing family…but most of all through all of this, after losing myself for so many years, doing the work, and finding myself again. Or at least getting on the path to getting there and finally figuring out who am, what is important, and where my place in the world is.

I can’t decide if this writing is self-indulgent, but you know what, if it is, who cares?! Who am I hurting? No one. And for me, that has become the key. Hurt no one, especially yourself. Listen to yourself. Listen. And that is the greatest gift anyone can give to anyone else…to listen. To be present for that person, in that moment.

The world has become a pretty crappy place to live, and it would be so easy to get depressed, and give up. God knows, we have all felt that way at times; I know I have. But I have come to realise that obsessing about what is happening in the world doesn’t change what is happening in the world! All I can do is my bit. All I can do is make my life the best it can be. Do the work. Figure my shit out. And yeah, that hurts. It hurts like hell. But so what?! Isn’t that better than feeling nothing? Isn’t that better than not wanting to heal? Isn’t that better than sitting in the shit and doing nothing about it? Lotus flowers grow out of the shit…quite literally.

And that’s what I’m doing. That’s all any of us can do. The only way to open our eyes is to first look within. Find out what makes us who we are. Find out what makes us tick. And when you’ve found it, run with it. Because that is your purpose, your reason for being. And along the way, there’s nothing wrong with stumbling, or making a mess. We are human. Humans are here to make a mess!

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And then, I disappeared….

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And then, I disappeared….

Over time we change. They say a leopard doesn’t change its spots, but my spots have certainly changed, in good and bad ways.

I’ve grown, and am still growing. Though there are things that come up in life that make you shrink, also, and affect who you are even as the growth occurs. Hard things, that at the time seem like the worst thing in the world. But actually, move you forward…the end of a job; the end of a relationship…

The pain in itself helps you move forward and grow, and become a better version of who you were. And then, maybe next time, you can do it better, from the insight that the difficult times brought you.

I’m growing and moving forward. And as I do this, everything is changing, and it’s hard, but it’s how it should be, and for that I am grateful 😊

Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

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Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

So, its been a long time since I had anything to say!! Which isn’t actually factual, as my friends would attest to, I’m sure! Its just that its been a while since I had anything to share with whomever reads this.

Life got in the way. And, thats not always a bad thing. In the last week, I returned from a trip to Costa Rica. An incredible trip, not just because of the country and its beauty, but because of the people I shared this experience with.

None of these persons were known to me before I went, we were, in the main, total strangers to each other. We spent 16 days travelling the length and breadth of this beautiful land, and in spending 24 hours a day together, got to know each other very fast, inside and out. We learned to love, and hate, each other. It was incredible.

But that was not the only thing that this trip brought me. It also gave me an awareness of myself that I previously did not have. I discovered I have an incredible ability not to feel. What I mean by that is, I can put everything that is in my life at home in a box, and hardly think about it, let alone miss it! I didn’t know this until I went away this time. I lived in the moment, every moment to its fullest. And its certainly not to say that I didn’t think of my children or my boyfriend, I did….but not in the way you would expect. I just switched it all off, like rebooting a computer!

Until, it caught up with me. About a week and a half into my trip, my emotions could no longer handle it, and I exploded! I sobbed. And it was so difficult to explain to anyone I was with what was wrong with me, because I really didn’t know. I just felt confused and hurt and sad, and I really didn’t know why. In the process of all this, I hurt my boyfriend by being cold, and seemed to have transferred some of what I should have been feeling for those left behind onto people who were there with me.

This can’t be normal, right?! Well, it seems I am not the only one to react like this. Having spoken to friends, one of my closest friends completely understood what I was explaining, and said that she reacted the same way when she travelled, stating that sometimes she hardly thought of home at all…..to which I totally identify with.

Does this make me a bad mother? A bad girlfriend? Maybe. Or is it just a coping strategy for my brain to shut down and switch off (the reason for the trip in the first place), and allow me the space I needed to remember who I am, and actually how much fun I can have, as well as how much fun I can be?

I no longer feel bad. I actually quite like this part of me! Everything is better, I know me more than I did, and my loved ones still welcomed me home with open arms.

I’m a very lucky girl. And to those who identify with this, don’t feel bad, it doesn’t make you a bad person. And, the others who think I am awful for admitting to these feelings, we are all different, and this is me. If I can deal with it, thats all that matters to me 🙂

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Falling in the Fall…Learning to Let It Go…

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Falling in the Fall…Learning to Let It Go…

It’s Autumn, and I love it. Love. That’s a hard word to come to terms with. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

Why do we all struggle so much with the concept of ‘love’? Learning to love; allowing ourselves to love; letting others know we love them? That last one, I believe, is the hardest one. Letting another know you are falling in love with them. Allowing yourself to feel the vulnerability of it, without knowing whether they feel the same way about you.

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The quote above sums it up perfectly. How do you know without the traffic lights?!!

At some point, we have to learn to let go, be vulnerable, embrace the fear, and just go with it.

And that’s where I am. I’m making myself vulnerable, which in itself makes me incredibly uncomfortable! Constantly asking myself if its too soon to be feeling these feelings? Does the person I have these feelings for feel the same way about me? What if he doesn’t, and I’m out here on my own? What then?

The ‘fear’ is what stops us. The fear is what stops us doing everything, and that’s why we need to tell the ‘fear’ to f*#k off, leave us alone, and let the bravery of vulnerability in. Let the joy in. Take a risk with your heart, and go for it.

What if he does feel the same way, and he’s scared too? Maybe he’s waiting for me? Maybe?

The full moon is today, and its an Aries blood moon. So powerful. Its a time of transformation in our relationships. A time of powerful feelings, where everything is exaggerated. Maybe its the ideal time to take the risk? Is it?!!!

And the doubt creeps back in, backed up by the fear!!! Damn you fear, damn you from the deepest part of my heart that wants to embrace the love!!

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Change of Seasons and the Soul Singing

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Change of Seasons and the Soul Singing

Life is good. This is my current mantra.

I am healthy and happy and find myself not wanting for anything, and I can’t tell you what a wonderful place that is to be, and one that I am not taking for granted. I relish this feeling. This positivity.

This time of year is one of my favourite, also. The beauty that surrounds us with the change of seasons as the leaves start to die back and their incredible autumnal colours show themselves to us. Every morning when I drive my children to school, and living in the countryside, I am lucky enough to drive down roads surrounded by gorgeous trees, whom are now in the process of changing their colours. The light at this time of year changes. The sun is lower in the sky, and when the light comes through the trees in shafts through the heavy foliage, the beauty it shows is untold.

Light shaftsEvery time I see a scene like this, it literally takes my breath away, and brings me crashing back into the moment I’m living in, without realising it has happened until I arrive, and the surprise of it makes my heart surge.

I have realised that my life is full of people that I love and cherish, and that in itself is something that cannot be disregarded as lacking in importance. As I have previously mentioned, I am looking at moving house. I was planning to move areas, but I have now come to see that I love where I live, I love my children, I love my friends, I love my town and the places around it…why would I move away from somewhere I love and the people in it?

And, I think I have found someone whom I can build something with, a relationship, and my heart is full of hope. But for the first time in my life, and in any relationship, I am completely me, authentically. I am open and honest and real. I know that may seem a strange thing to say, but if you think about it, when we meet  someone we want to be involved with, there is always an element of self-preservation through holding back and using the armour we have created for ourselves over the previous heart breaks.

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The quote about from Anais Nin is so applicable. And I have realised that we cannot experience the true joy that may be available to us unless we allow ourselves to step onto the path of love, and walk with it, wherever it may take us. So, that’s where I’m going.

I am blessed and I am happy, and I plan to stay that way 🙂

The Heart and the Fear

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The Heart and the Fear

When something new starts and there is a possibility that ‘the heart’ might get involved, its terrifying and exciting, in almost equal measures!

Those who have read the rest of this blog will know that my history in relationships isn’t the best. And over the years, these lack lustre relationships have meant that I have built myself a pretty good set of armour. This defensive mechanism has served me well over the time I have been single and not wanted to become attached to anyone. However, the armour coming down is now I believe a process that takes a little longer!

From talking to friends, I know this phenomenon is not just applicable to me. In fact, to a greater or lesser extent, I think many of us face the same problem.

When you’ve been hurt, opening up again is not easy. Protecting your heart from further pain seems like much the easier option. But if we do that, what are we denying ourselves from feeling? Love? Joy? Are the feeling we are denying only negative ones?

Well, if that were really the case, why would anyone bother to try to find someone to love? To allow themselves to love? Surely the negativity surrounding the fear of being hurt would stop it happening it all, if that’s all there really was?

But when the armour has served so well, for so long, how do you get around it?

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I can come to the conclusion that you decide to…you just do it! It’s a conscious decision to take a leap and try. How else do you do it? Sure, it could happen by accident, and you are there before you know it, but that doesn’t seem so likely, does it?

Finding someone worth taking the leap for, now that’s a whole different story, but if you do, surely you have to try?

Recently, no matter how frightening, I can start to feel my chinks relaxing and my ice heart warming. I have never been one for slow and steady, but I’m starting to believe that being in it, going with it, and seeing where something goes without all the pressure of constant neurotic assessment from your inner demons, is the only way to make anything work with another person.

So, I’m giving that a go. And so far I like it (though what he’ll say after he reads this and sees what a nut case I am is anyones guess?!!).

In the words of the witch from the Wizard of Oz “I’m melting”…….