Tag Archives: mindfulness

Life hurts…

Standard
Life hurts…

I can feel so much. Feel everything. Whirling around inside of me and I don’t even know what it is I can feel. Fear, insecurity, being on the edge of something, healing, moving on, letting go…perhaps its all of those and everything at the same time.

Over the past 15 years, maybe a little more, so much has happened in my life…massive love, found and then lost; near suicide; vulnerability and pain; pregnancy; abortion; rape; babies; marriage; divorce; abandonment; losing family…but most of all through all of this, after losing myself for so many years, doing the work, and finding myself again. Or at least getting on the path to getting there and finally figuring out who am, what is important, and where my place in the world is.

I can’t decide if this writing is self-indulgent, but you know what, if it is, who cares?! Who am I hurting? No one. And for me, that has become the key. Hurt no one, especially yourself. Listen to yourself. Listen. And that is the greatest gift anyone can give to anyone else…to listen. To be present for that person, in that moment.

The world has become a pretty crappy place to live, and it would be so easy to get depressed, and give up. God knows, we have all felt that way at times; I know I have. But I have come to realise that obsessing about what is happening in the world doesn’t change what is happening in the world! All I can do is my bit. All I can do is make my life the best it can be. Do the work. Figure my shit out. And yeah, that hurts. It hurts like hell. But so what?! Isn’t that better than feeling nothing? Isn’t that better than not wanting to heal? Isn’t that better than sitting in the shit and doing nothing about it? Lotus flowers grow out of the shit…quite literally.

And that’s what I’m doing. That’s all any of us can do. The only way to open our eyes is to first look within. Find out what makes us who we are. Find out what makes us tick. And when you’ve found it, run with it. Because that is your purpose, your reason for being. And along the way, there’s nothing wrong with stumbling, or making a mess. We are human. Humans are here to make a mess!

wonderful-life-hurts-22703768-500-500

Advertisements

The Journey Never Ends…

Standard
The Journey Never Ends…

The twists and turns of life can be surprising. As I get older, I wonder if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing?!!

I’m on a journey. A spiritual journey, and once you get on that train, you can’t get off! Believe me, I’ve tried!

Learning to embrace this ‘trip’ is something that takes a little time, stepping away from fear, and deciding to grow and move forward. Soooo, easy to say, not easy to do.

From my own experience, and from the experience of others I have spoken to, its a trip of major ups and downs. And, when you reach the point growth that you truly start to accept yourself, that’s when everything you ever knew, that wasn’t really who your authentic self relates to, it all falls away. And when it happens, its liberating and terrifying, in equal measure.

But, once you learn to embrace the change, and deal with the emotion that has come with it, its amazing and exciting. The freedom I now feel is something I have never had before.

Upbringing has a lot to do with the fear. The way we are raised and the culture around us is, in the main, responsible for our morality and the expectations we place upon ourselves. That is just the pressure we put on ourselves, not mentioning that put on us by others.

Learning to let it all go, and choose our own lives is hard….but so worth it 🙂

You can’t choose them…

Standard
You can’t choose them…

Relationships are hard. All relationships. But the majority of the relationships we have in our lives are with those we choose ourselves; our friends, our lovers, even our colleagues. We have a say in who they are. But family? Well, they are set out before we are born in form of our parents, and the blood lines from each side that come from these genetic attachments.

In the book Light is the New Black, the author, Rebecca Campbell participates in a past life regression, which includes travelling back to the moment where she was given the opportunity to travel back to the point where she was given the choice, before her own conception, to choose her own parents. This choice was made by her soul, her spirit, and she chose the parents who would give her soul the greatest growth and learning opportunity in this life. And from this regression, she has come to realise that the choice her soul made was for her greatest good and to benefit her, to allow her to achieve what she was sent here to grow into in this lifetime.

Now, whether you believe in regression, or agree with Rebecca’s belief is irrelevant. The point is, the choice is made before we arrive on this plane. And that in itself can be one of the hardest things.

I agree with Rebecca’s belief. Trying to understand what my soul is here to learn from the relationships with my family has become one of my greatest challenges, and one of the most painful. Those who know me well will know that I have never had the easiest relationship with any of my family members, and the emotional suffering that this has caused for me, has been extremely deep, and has not only effected me emotionally, but physically and spiritually.

What I have come to realise, very recently, is that not just with family but also with others, what people think of me isn’t my business. What I think of me is the only thing that matters, and learning to fill the hole we all feel within ourselves with our own truth and the love we have within us that we send out for everyone else, instead of for us and within us, is what is needed.

We are never alone if we can learn to love ourselves.

And thats not easy. Its a process. But I’m on the path…come and join me. Learn to love you….. 🙂

Im-learning-to-love-myself

Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

Standard
Radio Silence….Am I Insane?????

So, its been a long time since I had anything to say!! Which isn’t actually factual, as my friends would attest to, I’m sure! Its just that its been a while since I had anything to share with whomever reads this.

Life got in the way. And, thats not always a bad thing. In the last week, I returned from a trip to Costa Rica. An incredible trip, not just because of the country and its beauty, but because of the people I shared this experience with.

None of these persons were known to me before I went, we were, in the main, total strangers to each other. We spent 16 days travelling the length and breadth of this beautiful land, and in spending 24 hours a day together, got to know each other very fast, inside and out. We learned to love, and hate, each other. It was incredible.

But that was not the only thing that this trip brought me. It also gave me an awareness of myself that I previously did not have. I discovered I have an incredible ability not to feel. What I mean by that is, I can put everything that is in my life at home in a box, and hardly think about it, let alone miss it! I didn’t know this until I went away this time. I lived in the moment, every moment to its fullest. And its certainly not to say that I didn’t think of my children or my boyfriend, I did….but not in the way you would expect. I just switched it all off, like rebooting a computer!

Until, it caught up with me. About a week and a half into my trip, my emotions could no longer handle it, and I exploded! I sobbed. And it was so difficult to explain to anyone I was with what was wrong with me, because I really didn’t know. I just felt confused and hurt and sad, and I really didn’t know why. In the process of all this, I hurt my boyfriend by being cold, and seemed to have transferred some of what I should have been feeling for those left behind onto people who were there with me.

This can’t be normal, right?! Well, it seems I am not the only one to react like this. Having spoken to friends, one of my closest friends completely understood what I was explaining, and said that she reacted the same way when she travelled, stating that sometimes she hardly thought of home at all…..to which I totally identify with.

Does this make me a bad mother? A bad girlfriend? Maybe. Or is it just a coping strategy for my brain to shut down and switch off (the reason for the trip in the first place), and allow me the space I needed to remember who I am, and actually how much fun I can have, as well as how much fun I can be?

I no longer feel bad. I actually quite like this part of me! Everything is better, I know me more than I did, and my loved ones still welcomed me home with open arms.

I’m a very lucky girl. And to those who identify with this, don’t feel bad, it doesn’t make you a bad person. And, the others who think I am awful for admitting to these feelings, we are all different, and this is me. If I can deal with it, thats all that matters to me 🙂

11149369_10102439648706720_7128295573466641682_n

Change of Seasons and the Soul Singing

Standard
Change of Seasons and the Soul Singing

Life is good. This is my current mantra.

I am healthy and happy and find myself not wanting for anything, and I can’t tell you what a wonderful place that is to be, and one that I am not taking for granted. I relish this feeling. This positivity.

This time of year is one of my favourite, also. The beauty that surrounds us with the change of seasons as the leaves start to die back and their incredible autumnal colours show themselves to us. Every morning when I drive my children to school, and living in the countryside, I am lucky enough to drive down roads surrounded by gorgeous trees, whom are now in the process of changing their colours. The light at this time of year changes. The sun is lower in the sky, and when the light comes through the trees in shafts through the heavy foliage, the beauty it shows is untold.

Light shaftsEvery time I see a scene like this, it literally takes my breath away, and brings me crashing back into the moment I’m living in, without realising it has happened until I arrive, and the surprise of it makes my heart surge.

I have realised that my life is full of people that I love and cherish, and that in itself is something that cannot be disregarded as lacking in importance. As I have previously mentioned, I am looking at moving house. I was planning to move areas, but I have now come to see that I love where I live, I love my children, I love my friends, I love my town and the places around it…why would I move away from somewhere I love and the people in it?

And, I think I have found someone whom I can build something with, a relationship, and my heart is full of hope. But for the first time in my life, and in any relationship, I am completely me, authentically. I am open and honest and real. I know that may seem a strange thing to say, but if you think about it, when we meet  someone we want to be involved with, there is always an element of self-preservation through holding back and using the armour we have created for ourselves over the previous heart breaks.

Anais-Nin-quote

The quote about from Anais Nin is so applicable. And I have realised that we cannot experience the true joy that may be available to us unless we allow ourselves to step onto the path of love, and walk with it, wherever it may take us. So, that’s where I’m going.

I am blessed and I am happy, and I plan to stay that way 🙂

Just Go With It….How?!

Standard

I read a lot of blogs, a lot of articles about all sorts of topics, many of which probably sound a little like me, rambling on about life’s misgivings and the difficulties we all face and how we should living now in the ‘right now’, embrace where we are with our lives right now instead of looking backward and forward. But how do you really do that?

It’s not easy, believe me, I’ve tried. In fact I’m still trying, all day, every day. Yes, meditation helps and yoga helps and exercise helps….all these things help to ground us, but finding the now and staying there are different things, in my humble opinion.

For example, when you start to date someone new, it’s exciting and fun and you are getting to know someone who could hopefully bring joy into your life. But, unfortunately, by the time one reaches my grand old age of 37 (it’s actually my birthday today!), it’s extremely hard not to hold onto baggage from previous relationships. It’s hard to trust again if you’ve been hurt. It’s very difficult to just let go, and be ‘in it’, whatever it is, because we are all so scared and fearful of being hurt.

We all know getting hurt sucks! But, and this is something I have discussed with girlfriends, who agreed with my position, if we don’t let go and allow ourselves to be in a position where we might get hurt, how do we fully experience what life has to show us and the gifts it has to give?

I truly believe the only fear that exists is the fear of the unknown. Think about it: fear of the dark (what’s out there?); fear of snakes (what if it attacks me?); fear of intimacy (what if I get hurt?). Getting hurt and the fear of getting hurt are two of the greatest stumbling blocks we have. If they weren’t there, and we were fearless, would we be happier? If we were fearless, would there be less fighting? Would we embrace each other more? Or would it have the opposite effect? Eventually, the fighting would have to stop, and all that would left is emptiness and love.

And that’s where we have to start from. Start from a point of nothing, and allow it to become something, to grow. And for us to be brave enough to let the fear go, and just go with it.

It’s so easy to say this in the written word, and to actually believe it, but to be honest, I am not that enlightened! But it’s something to aim for, and I’ll get there, hopefully. It’s time to stop running, embrace what we have, and if there are things has need to be and can be fixed, just give them a little time to breathe, not much that they develop, but so that’s so easily said again.

And I’m trying, everyday. And there are those around me to who have to tolerate my impatience with myself (and sometimes them), and the stronger ones who live their lives the exact way they always thought they would. They are truly embracing the self 😊

P.S. I was very tired and sleepy when I wrote this, so if it rambles you have my reasons!😄

Being Grateful for my Life

Standard
Being Grateful for my Life

Two years ago today, my baby boy was born. That in itself is such an amazing thing. He is amazing, and along with his big brother, they complete my life.

But how my youngest son got here was not so easy. It started off normally enough. I was married to his father, who had no children (my oldest is from a previous relationship) and he wanted to be a father. So, we tried and after a few months, it worked, my baby boy was on his way. Then when I was 6 months pregnant, his father left, with no explanation, and never returned to raise his son. He left me pregnant, with a very upset and confused 5 year old step-son to help come to terms with what had happened, not to mention how I felt.

These things happen. At the time, it was horrendous. My friends and family were amazing and helped me hold it together for the sake of my son and my unborn child. And I functioned for the remainder of my pregnancy, until 2 years ago, he arrived, after 35 hours of labour! With the help of my amazing friend who held my hand through the whole thing and fought my corner with the midwives, who were horrible!

Yes, the first few months of his life were hard, but I got through it, we all did. And these past 2 years have had major ups and downs, but now I am so grateful to his father for leaving! He did the best thing for me, and for his son. He walked away from a relationship that was never going to work, but gave me a son who is so special. He has a great relationship with his son, and pays his allotted portion, as well as loving his son in a way that has made him a Daddy, and not just a father.

Being a single Mum can be so hard, but it is also extremely rewarding, and I am reminded everyday by my children how amazingly lucky I am to have them in my life 🙂 

Patience and Mindfulness

Image
Patience and Mindfulness

This is something I am truly terrible at! I’ve decide its a good thing I know I’m bad at it so at least I can work on it, but still, I think its my biggest fault.

I think being impatient is a symptom of the world we live in. We live in a world of immediates. Fast cars, fast food, fast answers, fast medicine….we wait for nothing. So, when life throws us a curve ball and there isn’t an immediate fix, we stamp our feet and scream and cry because there isn’t a pill to fix it RIGHT NOW!

patienceSo, we complain and get frustrated, me absolutely included in this. And the frustration makes me more frustrated with myself for being frustrated in the first place….vicious circle!

Everyone wants more…more things, more money, more love, more friends, think that having more will make them happy. Even the girl in the image on the right who is trying to find her solution in meditation isn’t patient enough to give it the time it needs to work…I have been that girl, in fact I think I still am! Its makes me think of the scene in Eat, Pray, Love (a book and film I completely love, Elizabeth Gilbert is fantastic) when she arrives at the ashram and goes to the meditation room but can’t switch her brain off for more than 30 seconds!

Mindfulness. I have read so much about this concept;

Mindfulness is “the intentional, accepting and non-judgmental focus of one’s attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations occurring in the present moment (Wikipedia, 22/07/14)

This is a concept derived from Buddhist practices and is something that can be learnt, or practiced, through concepts bringing one back to ‘living in the now’. Many of us are guilty of looking forward to something, or remembering how things used to be, and there’s nothing wrong with either, but very few of us fully appreciate what we have around us now.

For me, its time to breathe. To live and appreciate. To slow down and just stop and look around, and be grateful for everything I have right now and just stop looking for something, not even knowing what that something is. We could all do worse than to do this…

Patience2

 

Inspiration for Single Parents

Standard
Inspiration for Single Parents

Anyone who is a parent knows, it’s not easy. Being a single parent is even harder, but so much more rewarding is more ways than can be listed here.

I have raised both of my boys on my own pretty much from the moment they were born. My youngest has never lived with his father, and from the moment he was born, and handed to one of my best friends, he has been, and will remain to be, mine. I named them both and have made all the decisions for their lives so far.

In some ways, unilateral decisions are so much easier. In many ways doing it alone is so much easier. There’s no one to be mad at when they don’t get up to them crying in the night; I get time to myself every other weekend to remember that I’m not just Mummy; I can take holidays without them when they are with their Dad’s to again remember who I am.

But by contrast, in many ways it’s so much harder. All the responsibility is mine. They rely on just me for for absolutely everything. There can be no failure, which just becomes a part of life that you don’t even consider. I am the fun parent and the disciplinarian. I am Mummy and Daddy 90% of the time. And there is no one their to say to them, ‘is this the right thing to do?’. Unilateral is fine, but solo is hard.

The pay off? You get to have all their firsts….first smile; first words; first walk; and having boys especially, they just want to love me all the time.

So, next time they drive me crazy, my aim is to breathe and count to 10 and remember how amazing they are, and how much of an achievement it is to get to where we are by ourselves 😊