Tag Archives: Now

The Journey Never Ends…

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The Journey Never Ends…

The twists and turns of life can be surprising. As I get older, I wonder if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing?!!

I’m on a journey. A spiritual journey, and once you get on that train, you can’t get off! Believe me, I’ve tried!

Learning to embrace this ‘trip’ is something that takes a little time, stepping away from fear, and deciding to grow and move forward. Soooo, easy to say, not easy to do.

From my own experience, and from the experience of others I have spoken to, its a trip of major ups and downs. And, when you reach the point growth that you truly start to accept yourself, that’s when everything you ever knew, that wasn’t really who your authentic self relates to, it all falls away. And when it happens, its liberating and terrifying, in equal measure.

But, once you learn to embrace the change, and deal with the emotion that has come with it, its amazing and exciting. The freedom I now feel is something I have never had before.

Upbringing has a lot to do with the fear. The way we are raised and the culture around us is, in the main, responsible for our morality and the expectations we place upon ourselves. That is just the pressure we put on ourselves, not mentioning that put on us by others.

Learning to let it all go, and choose our own lives is hard….but so worth it 🙂

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The Stress of Change

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15.36pm

So I’m moving house, and so far I’m really not enjoying the whole experience!

Change is so much easier when we are younger. We adapt more easily and things don’t seem so hard. We make and decision, and go with it, moving along as the universe guides us, mindfully, to the path that serves us best. Why is it so much harder to do that as we get older?

I am really feeling the weight of the responsibility of making this decision and doing it right for me and my children. Most people going through this kind of change with children in tow, have a partner to lean of for support, and to discuss the implications and ins and outs of the move, for you and for the children. But not when you are doing it alone, and its hard.

We are moving areas, which means not only are we moving house, my oldest needs a new school and my youngest a new nursery, and that in itself is driving me to distraction with the choices to be made!

I think the worst part is the waiting….waiting for my current house to sell; waiting for someone to sell an appropriate and affordable house for us to move to; waiting to know where exactly their new school and nursery should be which can’t be sorted until the house is sorted! Stress on top of stress!

And its hard to be patient and wait for the universe to bring it into line to work as it is supposed to for the greatest benefit of all. Patience is not a virtue I am blessed with, which my mother has already taken the blame for by her own admission!

So, I’m waiting and trying to enjoy the process…….its a tough one!

 

19.08pm

Having thought about it, I have realised a big part of what I’m feeling is grief.

Grief for the life I had; for my marriages; for what has happened whilst I’ve been in this house; for the person I once was and the person I have become; for my children not having their fathers around all the time; for this being the only home I’ve known since my childhood one and moving being such a wrench….and many other things.

It just hit me that besides the stress of the move, there is dealing with letting go. I have spent the best part of a decade in this house, and now its time to move on, its hard.

satir_graph

On this graph depicting the Satir Change Model, I would say I am somewhere around ‘chaos’ at the moment! Somewhere in there, if I was designing it, I would add initial excitement (depending on the change one is living through, of course!), but now, it feels like grief and fear, and I’m so ready for the next part!

So, universe, bring it on, its time!!

Just Go With It….How?!

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I read a lot of blogs, a lot of articles about all sorts of topics, many of which probably sound a little like me, rambling on about life’s misgivings and the difficulties we all face and how we should living now in the ‘right now’, embrace where we are with our lives right now instead of looking backward and forward. But how do you really do that?

It’s not easy, believe me, I’ve tried. In fact I’m still trying, all day, every day. Yes, meditation helps and yoga helps and exercise helps….all these things help to ground us, but finding the now and staying there are different things, in my humble opinion.

For example, when you start to date someone new, it’s exciting and fun and you are getting to know someone who could hopefully bring joy into your life. But, unfortunately, by the time one reaches my grand old age of 37 (it’s actually my birthday today!), it’s extremely hard not to hold onto baggage from previous relationships. It’s hard to trust again if you’ve been hurt. It’s very difficult to just let go, and be ‘in it’, whatever it is, because we are all so scared and fearful of being hurt.

We all know getting hurt sucks! But, and this is something I have discussed with girlfriends, who agreed with my position, if we don’t let go and allow ourselves to be in a position where we might get hurt, how do we fully experience what life has to show us and the gifts it has to give?

I truly believe the only fear that exists is the fear of the unknown. Think about it: fear of the dark (what’s out there?); fear of snakes (what if it attacks me?); fear of intimacy (what if I get hurt?). Getting hurt and the fear of getting hurt are two of the greatest stumbling blocks we have. If they weren’t there, and we were fearless, would we be happier? If we were fearless, would there be less fighting? Would we embrace each other more? Or would it have the opposite effect? Eventually, the fighting would have to stop, and all that would left is emptiness and love.

And that’s where we have to start from. Start from a point of nothing, and allow it to become something, to grow. And for us to be brave enough to let the fear go, and just go with it.

It’s so easy to say this in the written word, and to actually believe it, but to be honest, I am not that enlightened! But it’s something to aim for, and I’ll get there, hopefully. It’s time to stop running, embrace what we have, and if there are things has need to be and can be fixed, just give them a little time to breathe, not much that they develop, but so that’s so easily said again.

And I’m trying, everyday. And there are those around me to who have to tolerate my impatience with myself (and sometimes them), and the stronger ones who live their lives the exact way they always thought they would. They are truly embracing the self 😊

P.S. I was very tired and sleepy when I wrote this, so if it rambles you have my reasons!😄