So, its been a long time since I had anything to say!! Which isn’t actually factual, as my friends would attest to, I’m sure! Its just that its been a while since I had anything to share with whomever reads this.
Life got in the way. And, thats not always a bad thing. In the last week, I returned from a trip to Costa Rica. An incredible trip, not just because of the country and its beauty, but because of the people I shared this experience with.
None of these persons were known to me before I went, we were, in the main, total strangers to each other. We spent 16 days travelling the length and breadth of this beautiful land, and in spending 24 hours a day together, got to know each other very fast, inside and out. We learned to love, and hate, each other. It was incredible.
But that was not the only thing that this trip brought me. It also gave me an awareness of myself that I previously did not have. I discovered I have an incredible ability not to feel. What I mean by that is, I can put everything that is in my life at home in a box, and hardly think about it, let alone miss it! I didn’t know this until I went away this time. I lived in the moment, every moment to its fullest. And its certainly not to say that I didn’t think of my children or my boyfriend, I did….but not in the way you would expect. I just switched it all off, like rebooting a computer!
Until, it caught up with me. About a week and a half into my trip, my emotions could no longer handle it, and I exploded! I sobbed. And it was so difficult to explain to anyone I was with what was wrong with me, because I really didn’t know. I just felt confused and hurt and sad, and I really didn’t know why. In the process of all this, I hurt my boyfriend by being cold, and seemed to have transferred some of what I should have been feeling for those left behind onto people who were there with me.
This can’t be normal, right?! Well, it seems I am not the only one to react like this. Having spoken to friends, one of my closest friends completely understood what I was explaining, and said that she reacted the same way when she travelled, stating that sometimes she hardly thought of home at all…..to which I totally identify with.
Does this make me a bad mother? A bad girlfriend? Maybe. Or is it just a coping strategy for my brain to shut down and switch off (the reason for the trip in the first place), and allow me the space I needed to remember who I am, and actually how much fun I can have, as well as how much fun I can be?
I no longer feel bad. I actually quite like this part of me! Everything is better, I know me more than I did, and my loved ones still welcomed me home with open arms.
I’m a very lucky girl. And to those who identify with this, don’t feel bad, it doesn’t make you a bad person. And, the others who think I am awful for admitting to these feelings, we are all different, and this is me. If I can deal with it, thats all that matters to me 🙂