Tag Archives: relationships



I don’t want to talk to you.

More than anything I don’t want to talk to you.

But more than anything, all I want is to talk to you…

I know you understand.

Or maybe, in my head you understand, and that’s how I want it to be. How I wanted it to be. And maybe it never was that way? Why don’t I know the answer to that?

I don’t understand how I feel.

Is this how grief feels?

There’s an anxiety that won’t leave me alone. It sits in my chest, makes me eat rubbish and fills me with self-loathing.

I don’t know how to be kind to myself. Is that something that can be learnt?

I don’t know how to be in this place. This place that feels like madness, and consistently kicks and screams it’s way out of me, through tears, angst, eating, shouting…none of which helps.

So, tell me, what do I do?


Can men and women be friends?

Can men and women be friends?

When I was a little girl, making friends was easy. It didn’t matter if the friend was a boy or a girl; we were just friends.

And then puberty, and hormones, and basically, sex got in the way!

There has been much written on this topic over the years. As stated my Brett and Kate McKay on their blog artofmanliness.com, ‘you’d have thought When Harry Met Sally would have answered this question’!! But apparently not. They go on to quote a study completed at Wisconsin University, where 88 friendship couples were brought in and asked questions regarding their friendships, with the proviso that the research would never be discussed between the friends in the future. The outcome was, that whilst the female in the friendship saw it as purely platonic and there was no attraction, the same couldn’t be said for the men. Plus, that the men secretly believed their opposite number felt the same! The study concluded that the friendship was possible if guys remained under this illusion!

Now, this was only 88 friendships, though it seems to be a decent cross section?! 

Making friends in general is so much harder when we get older, but making friends with the opposite sex feels like a mine field…’if I talk to them, with they think I’m interested in them?’, ‘if I ask them for coffee, will they think I want more?’, ‘what if I don’t want more now, but change my mind in the future?’!

I have always been very up front about my feelings on most subjects and am not backwards in coming forwards (I know you’re shocked at this revelation 😆), so why can’t we chuck out all rules? Why can’t we just be friends, pure and simple, and not worry about the connotations? And, if one or the other feels differently, why can’t we say ‘you know what, I think I quite fancy you’? And the other, even if they are not interested, take it as a compliment, and move on?

Isn’t life complicated enough with actual romantic relationships without having to worry about this stuff in friendships too?

I have come to realise that I really don’t have male friends! My friends are women, by enlarge. This isn’t a bad thing, not at all, but part of me feels like I’m missing out on the other sides perspective on life! I have recently found a new male friend (and by friend, I mean friend and no funny business!) and it’s nice to talk to him and message him. But I still have that nagging feeling of ‘this is just friends, right?’!! And why doesn’t that shut the f*#€ up?!! It’s not helpful! I actually want to be friends with this man, and no more. I can’t predict the future, and I can’t speak for him, but I like my new friendship, so poo to the naysayers and the doubters! I will continue my friendship…having said that, I have concluded that I do actually only know how to be friends with women, so he might have a little adjusting to do…😳 I should point out, I absolutely believe men and women can be friends, and just friends, though less so if there is ‘history’!

Having said that, I would be very interested to hear what other people think on this…so feel free to comment 😊

The Tubby Boy with Wings…

The Tubby Boy with Wings…

It’s that time of year where the commercial world tells us once again that it’s time to show our beloved that they mean something to us, by prescription, because we have to be told, apparently! And also, to remind those without a significant someone that they are single, and that they should have a problem with that!!!!!

Why is Valentine’s Day such a big deal? Don’t get me wrong, everyone wants to be loved and to have that love shown, but why in the hell do we need to be told, or reminded, that we need to do that?!!

And why does it matter so much to so many if they are single on Valentine’s Day?

It’s just another day, the same as any other. In my opinion, we should all tell the person we are in love with how we feel, and show how we feel, without the need for a once yearly reminder. Anne Frank pointed out that people receive more flowers after they are dead than when they are alive….why does Valentine’s Day have to be the only day of the year we try to rectify this?

And then, I disappeared….

And then, I disappeared….

Over time we change. They say a leopard doesn’t change its spots, but my spots have certainly changed, in good and bad ways.

I’ve grown, and am still growing. Though there are things that come up in life that make you shrink, also, and affect who you are even as the growth occurs. Hard things, that at the time seem like the worst thing in the world. But actually, move you forward…the end of a job; the end of a relationship…

The pain in itself helps you move forward and grow, and become a better version of who you were. And then, maybe next time, you can do it better, from the insight that the difficult times brought you.

I’m growing and moving forward. And as I do this, everything is changing, and it’s hard, but it’s how it should be, and for that I am grateful 😊

You can’t choose them…

You can’t choose them…

Relationships are hard. All relationships. But the majority of the relationships we have in our lives are with those we choose ourselves; our friends, our lovers, even our colleagues. We have a say in who they are. But family? Well, they are set out before we are born in form of our parents, and the blood lines from each side that come from these genetic attachments.

In the book Light is the New Black, the author, Rebecca Campbell participates in a past life regression, which includes travelling back to the moment where she was given the opportunity to travel back to the point where she was given the choice, before her own conception, to choose her own parents. This choice was made by her soul, her spirit, and she chose the parents who would give her soul the greatest growth and learning opportunity in this life. And from this regression, she has come to realise that the choice her soul made was for her greatest good and to benefit her, to allow her to achieve what she was sent here to grow into in this lifetime.

Now, whether you believe in regression, or agree with Rebecca’s belief is irrelevant. The point is, the choice is made before we arrive on this plane. And that in itself can be one of the hardest things.

I agree with Rebecca’s belief. Trying to understand what my soul is here to learn from the relationships with my family has become one of my greatest challenges, and one of the most painful. Those who know me well will know that I have never had the easiest relationship with any of my family members, and the emotional suffering that this has caused for me, has been extremely deep, and has not only effected me emotionally, but physically and spiritually.

What I have come to realise, very recently, is that not just with family but also with others, what people think of me isn’t my business. What I think of me is the only thing that matters, and learning to fill the hole we all feel within ourselves with our own truth and the love we have within us that we send out for everyone else, instead of for us and within us, is what is needed.

We are never alone if we can learn to love ourselves.

And thats not easy. Its a process. But I’m on the path…come and join me. Learn to love you….. 🙂


Learning to Trust….Me!

Learning to Trust….Me!

Everyone who has been through a difficult time knows that trust can be broken, and can never truly be regained, at least in my opinion. When I say a difficult time, I suppose I mean a bad breakup, getting your heart broken into a million little pieces.

And we all know it takes time to get over the fall out from the breakup. The pain, the hurt, the anger, the relief finally when it all ends and we can move on. And we do, we move on. But when we move on, it becomes so much harder to believe in someone new.

Our innocence and naivety is lost through the suffering we have endured, and for a whole at least, we become hard and colder and perhaps a little jaded. I know it, I’ve been there.

How do we get past that cynicism? I truly think it’s as simple as, we decide to. We allow ourselves to. We take a leap of faith, and believe that life is good and we can feel the joy of love again.

And that’s where I am. I have decided I want to feel the joy. And it’s hard! Being brave enough to be happy, it’s hard.

Society puts so much pressure around us to behave in certain ways, to conform, to have time periods and rules when we start something new with someone so that in the end restrict ourselves because we might be ‘doing it wrong’. If your feelings for someone are so strong, and you feel the joy of that, what difference does a time period make? Sure, it takes time to get to know someone properly, and during that time the affirmations and proclamations made by them might be harder to believe, but is that a reason not to believe them? Isn’t believing in joy being went your way the path to your own happiness?

I was, and continue to be, happy in myself first. I didn’t seek out another person to ‘complete me’. I think it’s just happening before my eyes, and it’s astonishing, and liberating, and scary, and wonderful.

I feel blessed that I feel this way. I don’t know how long this will last, but while it’s here and I have it in my life, I am relishing the experience for all it’s worth 😊


The Heart and the Fear

The Heart and the Fear

When something new starts and there is a possibility that ‘the heart’ might get involved, its terrifying and exciting, in almost equal measures!

Those who have read the rest of this blog will know that my history in relationships isn’t the best. And over the years, these lack lustre relationships have meant that I have built myself a pretty good set of armour. This defensive mechanism has served me well over the time I have been single and not wanted to become attached to anyone. However, the armour coming down is now I believe a process that takes a little longer!

From talking to friends, I know this phenomenon is not just applicable to me. In fact, to a greater or lesser extent, I think many of us face the same problem.

When you’ve been hurt, opening up again is not easy. Protecting your heart from further pain seems like much the easier option. But if we do that, what are we denying ourselves from feeling? Love? Joy? Are the feeling we are denying only negative ones?

Well, if that were really the case, why would anyone bother to try to find someone to love? To allow themselves to love? Surely the negativity surrounding the fear of being hurt would stop it happening it all, if that’s all there really was?

But when the armour has served so well, for so long, how do you get around it?



I can come to the conclusion that you decide to…you just do it! It’s a conscious decision to take a leap and try. How else do you do it? Sure, it could happen by accident, and you are there before you know it, but that doesn’t seem so likely, does it?

Finding someone worth taking the leap for, now that’s a whole different story, but if you do, surely you have to try?

Recently, no matter how frightening, I can start to feel my chinks relaxing and my ice heart warming. I have never been one for slow and steady, but I’m starting to believe that being in it, going with it, and seeing where something goes without all the pressure of constant neurotic assessment from your inner demons, is the only way to make anything work with another person.

So, I’m giving that a go. And so far I like it (though what he’ll say after he reads this and sees what a nut case I am is anyones guess?!!).

In the words of the witch from the Wizard of Oz “I’m melting”…….

Just Go With It….How?!


I read a lot of blogs, a lot of articles about all sorts of topics, many of which probably sound a little like me, rambling on about life’s misgivings and the difficulties we all face and how we should living now in the ‘right now’, embrace where we are with our lives right now instead of looking backward and forward. But how do you really do that?

It’s not easy, believe me, I’ve tried. In fact I’m still trying, all day, every day. Yes, meditation helps and yoga helps and exercise helps….all these things help to ground us, but finding the now and staying there are different things, in my humble opinion.

For example, when you start to date someone new, it’s exciting and fun and you are getting to know someone who could hopefully bring joy into your life. But, unfortunately, by the time one reaches my grand old age of 37 (it’s actually my birthday today!), it’s extremely hard not to hold onto baggage from previous relationships. It’s hard to trust again if you’ve been hurt. It’s very difficult to just let go, and be ‘in it’, whatever it is, because we are all so scared and fearful of being hurt.

We all know getting hurt sucks! But, and this is something I have discussed with girlfriends, who agreed with my position, if we don’t let go and allow ourselves to be in a position where we might get hurt, how do we fully experience what life has to show us and the gifts it has to give?

I truly believe the only fear that exists is the fear of the unknown. Think about it: fear of the dark (what’s out there?); fear of snakes (what if it attacks me?); fear of intimacy (what if I get hurt?). Getting hurt and the fear of getting hurt are two of the greatest stumbling blocks we have. If they weren’t there, and we were fearless, would we be happier? If we were fearless, would there be less fighting? Would we embrace each other more? Or would it have the opposite effect? Eventually, the fighting would have to stop, and all that would left is emptiness and love.

And that’s where we have to start from. Start from a point of nothing, and allow it to become something, to grow. And for us to be brave enough to let the fear go, and just go with it.

It’s so easy to say this in the written word, and to actually believe it, but to be honest, I am not that enlightened! But it’s something to aim for, and I’ll get there, hopefully. It’s time to stop running, embrace what we have, and if there are things has need to be and can be fixed, just give them a little time to breathe, not much that they develop, but so that’s so easily said again.

And I’m trying, everyday. And there are those around me to who have to tolerate my impatience with myself (and sometimes them), and the stronger ones who live their lives the exact way they always thought they would. They are truly embracing the self 😊

P.S. I was very tired and sleepy when I wrote this, so if it rambles you have my reasons!😄

Being Grateful for my Life

Being Grateful for my Life

Two years ago today, my baby boy was born. That in itself is such an amazing thing. He is amazing, and along with his big brother, they complete my life.

But how my youngest son got here was not so easy. It started off normally enough. I was married to his father, who had no children (my oldest is from a previous relationship) and he wanted to be a father. So, we tried and after a few months, it worked, my baby boy was on his way. Then when I was 6 months pregnant, his father left, with no explanation, and never returned to raise his son. He left me pregnant, with a very upset and confused 5 year old step-son to help come to terms with what had happened, not to mention how I felt.

These things happen. At the time, it was horrendous. My friends and family were amazing and helped me hold it together for the sake of my son and my unborn child. And I functioned for the remainder of my pregnancy, until 2 years ago, he arrived, after 35 hours of labour! With the help of my amazing friend who held my hand through the whole thing and fought my corner with the midwives, who were horrible!

Yes, the first few months of his life were hard, but I got through it, we all did. And these past 2 years have had major ups and downs, but now I am so grateful to his father for leaving! He did the best thing for me, and for his son. He walked away from a relationship that was never going to work, but gave me a son who is so special. He has a great relationship with his son, and pays his allotted portion, as well as loving his son in a way that has made him a Daddy, and not just a father.

Being a single Mum can be so hard, but it is also extremely rewarding, and I am reminded everyday by my children how amazingly lucky I am to have them in my life 🙂 

Why define yourself like that?


I’m single. I’m a single Mum with two children. I have been single for over two years. To me, this is forever and I hate it, and that in itself makes me mad!

Why do we, as women in particular, define ourselves by whether or not we have a man or partner in our lives?!! Surely its the eternal question?

The thing is, I don’t actually need a man! I can support myself and my children, I have my own home, a good job, great friends and family, I have a life! But still, for whatever reason in my own tiny brain, all that I have is not enough for me….WHY?!

Media doesn’t help; Hollywood doesn’t help; coupley friends don’t help!! Its everywhere! Societies expectation that couples and being in a couple is whats ‘normal’. Screw normal! Who wants to be normal anyway, normal is boring!! What I do want is to feel fulfilled. Surely I don’t need a man for that?!!!

So, how do you get to a place of self-fulfilment and get rid of this painful yearn for a partner to hold your hand?

I have been on dating websites now for most of the past two years, you name it, I’ve probably been there! And the profiles on there all seem to say similar things….”normal down to earth friendly guy who for someone to share life with”. They all seem to be lying! First of all, none of us are normal! In fact I would go far as to say that there is no such thing as ‘normal’, thank god! But maybe all of us have expectations of what we are looking for that are too high?

As a woman in my mid to late 30’s, twice divorced with two children, I’ve been through the mill and know what I don’t want, as I would guess most people my age would. You don’t get to this age without a certain amount of baggage, and hopefully by this age, you know your own mind enough to know what you do and don’t want, don’t you? Well, I do! But am I being too restrictive? Or is that the same as choosy? Or am I being too choosy? Is there such a thing as too choosy?! And so the ridiculous list of questions goes on, until you eventually go insane!

Maybe its just time to find a way to let it all go? To stop looking and live life and let whatever comes and goes, and whomever comes and goes through it in transit do just that, come and go, without restriction, until the one shows up who fills your soul with joy? Or is that just something Hollywood filled our brains with to make us buy tickets to see the film? Who knows…..