I’ve been single for a long time. In that time, I’ve gotten used to having my own space, doing things in ways I’m used to, without having to consult anyone else. I’ve become protective of my children during that time, and having to be both mother and father to both of them (even though they still see their Dads, they are not constantly around), I am good cop and bad cop, and finding the balance can be hard, particularly if you are feeling out of sorts.
I know I can be a difficult person to be around sometimes. I know I am blunt and direct, and sometimes that is needed, though often I feel like I’m misunderstood, and that my reaction to a situation is misconstrued, and I feel the unfairness of it deeply.
Being single, and particularly a single parent, means you make all the decisions for you and your kids alone without any consultation. In many ways, that’s very liberating. But sometimes, the burden becomes heavy, and can weigh you down.
I feel a weight right now. I am about to move me and my children to a new area. I am totally convinced hat his is the right thing to do. But the ‘change’ and newness of it, especially doing it alone, is frightening, and I do feel alone. If I was having this discussion with friends or family, I know they would simply pick up on me being worried, and suggest I was making a mistake, instead of helping me embrace the change.
I think the fear and the change is making me so much more sensitive to everything else around me, so, for example, if something happens that is negative, I feel it more keenly and it hurts more deeply. And that in itself is hard because it makes me feel pathetic!
Change is hard. New is hard. But it’s good and I’m trying to be brave